Monday, August 14, 2006

for the love of cats and fear of youth

There are few things more beautiful than the absolute trust of an animal. I was just laying and petting Killer, who was laid sprawled out on his back, his belly up and eyes closed. His paws were stretched back and forward as much as possible, and he let me sit and rub his belly and chin. I felt very loved.

Everytime I glance at myself in a mirror these days, I absent-mindedly wonder what I look like to a stranger, particularly to an incoming JD student at NYU Law School. I always think--when I stop to actually register the thought--that they're going to realize that I'm young and I don't belong. I have to remind myself that I'm NOT young, I'm not hiding anything, and I'm completely qualified to be there. I suppose I'm so accustomed to be the youngest in a group that I've internalized it. Even when I wasn't the youngest at New College, I had internalized that I hadn't done things in the proper order, and didn't have the proper backgroud. But that's not the case here. I may be on the younger end of students, but there are others who are 21, and I probably have more life experience than them anyway. Possibly.

Some of these people seem so...sophisticated. Or something. They all play sports and travel to Europe. It's weird.

When I was at NYU for admitted students day, I felt everyone looking at me, or when I talked, realizing that I was the young one. I probably need to slowly break this mental mode, preferably before classes start. I must remember that they are just as disoriented as me, even if some of them are a bit older.

I feel silly.

1 comment:

ltotheaura said...

I can totally visually you as an NYU Law student. It is not a stretch at all, and you'll be great.

As for your age: I think of you as being older than me, even though I know that I'm the older one. It doesn't matter, it's how you carry yourself. And you carry yourself very well.

Now how the hell am I suppose to fit into FSU? I don't wear makeup or real clothes, and I don't even like football!