Monday, March 28, 2005

not too tired

I'm not as tired as I should be. It's 11, which isn't too late, but I didn't get to sleep until way after 6 am last night (which also isn't as bad as it sounds, because I got to sleep until noonish). Either way, I'm done with my reading for tomorrow (there's not much of it, honestly...Tuesdays are a light day), and I'm not ready for bed. Granted, I still have a few more things to do pre-bed. I must go down and ready my coffee, and while I'm doing such, I might as well have some ice cream :) Then, I'll probably take a shower so I can actually make it to class somewhere near on-time tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I have not been able to get to sleep lately. So, I need to push myself to do Thursday's readings if I can't sleep so I can work some on my paper on Wednesday. Or, maybe, I should do reading for my papers. Either way.

It's too bad Killer (my new cat) was not good last night, because now we have to shut him out of our room, and I hate doing that. He's so sweet and loving that it's a lot of fun to have him around. We spent the better part of the evening downstairs, though, and he enjoyed that and following us around and such. Oh, and I still need to give him his meds...must not forget that! Poor thing is going to think I only come to find him when I want to poke and prod him. He doesn't seem to mind too much, between the pills, eye cream, etc. He's a good little cat.

Once Sean posts the pictures he's taken, making I'll post a few here. I never post photos on my blog. Hmm.

Monday, March 21, 2005


Sometimes it seems that those who love you have a skewer straight through your various bodily organs. That means it doesn't hurt most of the time, but all they have to do is to turn it just ever so slightly to cause you immense, horrid pain.


Sometimes I wish I was skewer-less, but I'm not willing to give up on the skewer, either. There's no good way out, but sometimes it doesn't seem like there's any good in either. Gr.

Friday, March 11, 2005


You know, I think I always sort of assumed that I could do a better job with relationships than all the people I witnessed around me. Now, first off, I have to say that for most of the people in relationships around me, I frequently thought they shouldn't be together in the first place, and that that was the source of all troubles. Eventually, these couples generally broke up. In fact, it seems that the couples that never seem to have any problems whatsoever are the only ones to stay together. They must have problems.

And point being, I always figured that being the open and honest person I am, I would be able to make a relationship work. Just like that. It's simple really, I figured. It's all about communication. Right? Isn't that what they always say?

When I told people Sean and I were moving in together, I always said that I knew it was going to be hard, and we were prepared.

As it turns out, it's really hard, and I don't know how prepared I am.

I knew that knowing yourself and blah blah was important going into a relationship, but I'm not sure if I knew why. As it turns out, in the process of working things out in a relationship, you learn a lot of things about yourself...many of which you never really wanted to know. You see, the person I'd always imagined I'd be in a long-term relationship is not always the person I am.

On the other hand, the person I want to be in life in general is not always the person I am, so we most make allowances for, shall we say, self actualization. The process. I have to believe I'm on my way, you know?

I guess the difference between being who I went to be in life in general and who I want to be relationship-wise is that I can sometimes be blind to the former, but Sean prevents me from being blind in the latter. Although this is probably good in the long run, in the short run it's like an emotional whirlwind. I never knew that I was this person, and I don't want to be this person. Maybe I could've been happy in eternal oblivion? Okay, so I guess the chances are slim.

But it's weird to learn things about myself, and then wonder and question why they are so. I feel like if I am to discover new things about myself, then I should immediately know why they are so, right? I mean, don't I know myself? Haven't I been through enough therapy and internal examination? So why is this different?

I'm not sure if awareness of common relationship pit falls is sufficient to avoid them. It's the 'necessary but not sufficient' kind of thing that sociology is so aware of. So, in knowing that living together, money, blah blah blah are common pitfalls, I haven't been able to avoid them completely. Damn them. Damn them all.

So yeah, I guess it's a learning experience. It really is. A hard one. I just never really expected to be learning about me.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Ughy Ughy

I haven't written in so long. I want to write again.

Tonight's a strange night. I didn't get up until almost 4 today, so it should feel early (it's not quite midnight). But, on the other hand, Sean's already in bed, and that makes it feel late. I feel sort of fuzzy and strange.

Yesterday I had this good-bad day thing going on. I felt awful when I woke up, as I couldn't get to sleep the night before. I was almost 20 minutes late to class, so I felt pretty stupid about that, too. Then, in my 2nd class I got an evaluation for leading discussion with my group of 3, and I felt the whole page-long evaluation was way too focused on the fact that I led too much, and I felt stupid and angry. So then, my prof split us up into groups to discuss the four chapters we read and summarize them for the class. I chose my group based on my desire to not move. I decided I wouldn't participate, since I already participate too much. After almost 10 minutes of just sitting there and nodding and agreeing to write our summary, I realized this strategy wasn't going to work: the other two members of my group had no clue what the article was about. So, I explained it to them.

I went home for lunch, and wished I had a microwave. Warming up leftover chinese food in a toaster oven is just not so cool, and the plate gets too hot.

At 2, I went to the counseling and wellness center, beucase I had this appt. I was trying to get a prescription for a sleep study, and I had called them, and they said Anne might could help me, and set up an appt. When I came in, Anne said that she had no idea why they had sent me to get, that she can't write prescriptions, and she thought it sounded strange that I just wanted to get a sleep study done, out of the blue like that. I explained that my dad had been treating me for a long time. She said 'why do you get him to write a prescription?'. I told her she lost his medical lisence, and she just kinda looked at me. I felt dumb. I wanted to jump in and say 'listen, my dad might be a crappy human being, but he's a good doctor...don't look at me that way.' after that, my eyes started to tear up, and when I realize I could barely contain it anymore, I left.

I started crying in my car. I don't know why. I cried all the way home, and then went upstairs, and curled up in my bed, and cried some more.

I was still in a bad mood when Sean got home. Newspaper cheered me up a little bit, but no one was supportive of my story idea, even though I felt like everyone had liked it the previous Friday. I felt dumb again.

Finally, when I got home, my day looked up. I had two pieces of mail. One was my reimbursement check from Americorps that I had been waiting for for forever, and the other was from First Financial Bank. I assumed that it was a credit card denial (that's all I ever get), but lo and behold, it was an acceptance! I was so excited I Read the whole letter outloud to Sean, and he laughed at me. It's only got a $150 credit line, but considering my awful credit, anything is great, and you can work to get up. So even though I never wanted a credit card before, I'm excited.

The day got worse again at the end, for no particular reason. I guess credit cards can't completely stave off a bad mood. I couldn't get to sleep, for the second night in a room, and that's why I ended up sleeping until 3:30 today. The Public Affairs guy called me to set up an interview, but not that I'm not doing my story, I don't want to call him back. I should, though, because it's rude not to. Hopefully I can call tomorrow and he won't be there. I'm glad I'm not writing a story this week. It's nice. I've already written 5 stories in the last 4 weeks.

I'm frustrated tonight because I don't feel like doing any work. Since I don't really have anything that I have to do, it's pretty easy to get away with not doing any work...but I had hoped to get started on narrowing down my sources for my papers or whatnot. Oh well, maybe I still can. I had such valient hopes of getting so much accomplished today, but all of that kinda went kapoot after I didn't get up all day. I don't really feel like going to class tomorrow. It's okay, I know it will be over soon, and then I can come home and do something productive, like rearrange my drawers, which I'm sorta excited about, and hope works okay. I'm such a dork.

Alright, I'm off. I really am going to try to keep up on the writing thing now. I need to for my own self-preservation. It's good for me. Just gotta keep that in mind.