Friday, March 11, 2005


You know, I think I always sort of assumed that I could do a better job with relationships than all the people I witnessed around me. Now, first off, I have to say that for most of the people in relationships around me, I frequently thought they shouldn't be together in the first place, and that that was the source of all troubles. Eventually, these couples generally broke up. In fact, it seems that the couples that never seem to have any problems whatsoever are the only ones to stay together. They must have problems.

And point being, I always figured that being the open and honest person I am, I would be able to make a relationship work. Just like that. It's simple really, I figured. It's all about communication. Right? Isn't that what they always say?

When I told people Sean and I were moving in together, I always said that I knew it was going to be hard, and we were prepared.

As it turns out, it's really hard, and I don't know how prepared I am.

I knew that knowing yourself and blah blah was important going into a relationship, but I'm not sure if I knew why. As it turns out, in the process of working things out in a relationship, you learn a lot of things about yourself...many of which you never really wanted to know. You see, the person I'd always imagined I'd be in a long-term relationship is not always the person I am.

On the other hand, the person I want to be in life in general is not always the person I am, so we most make allowances for, shall we say, self actualization. The process. I have to believe I'm on my way, you know?

I guess the difference between being who I went to be in life in general and who I want to be relationship-wise is that I can sometimes be blind to the former, but Sean prevents me from being blind in the latter. Although this is probably good in the long run, in the short run it's like an emotional whirlwind. I never knew that I was this person, and I don't want to be this person. Maybe I could've been happy in eternal oblivion? Okay, so I guess the chances are slim.

But it's weird to learn things about myself, and then wonder and question why they are so. I feel like if I am to discover new things about myself, then I should immediately know why they are so, right? I mean, don't I know myself? Haven't I been through enough therapy and internal examination? So why is this different?

I'm not sure if awareness of common relationship pit falls is sufficient to avoid them. It's the 'necessary but not sufficient' kind of thing that sociology is so aware of. So, in knowing that living together, money, blah blah blah are common pitfalls, I haven't been able to avoid them completely. Damn them. Damn them all.

So yeah, I guess it's a learning experience. It really is. A hard one. I just never really expected to be learning about me.

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