Tuesday, December 21, 2004

People weren't meant to live in the cold

As I was sitting on the bus after waiting in the cold today, my nose was running and running and I was thinking, 'people shouldn't be in this kind of cold'. My body doesn't like it! The wind was gusting up to 30 mph today, and so even though it was 20 degrees out, it felt like 5, according to the Weather Channel. Jenny had told me that when the wind was bad enough, you could actually lean back into it. I didn't believe her until today. The wind wasn't quite that bad, but it would cause me to sort of sway when I wasn't braced for the gusts. I'd roll back on my heels.

People were not meant to live in this sort of cold.

It's a balmy 45 or 50 degrees inside our office. That's right--INSIDE our office. I worked most of the day with my coat either on, or over my legs, and Meghan was typing with gloves on. I said 'can you actually type while wearing gloves?' and she said 'well, I've been working at the Campaign for many a winter'. Ahhh...yea for being broke.

I have this horrible craving to IM Dann, who haven't talked to in a long time. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him last time I was in Florida. He keeps changing his away message. I just could use a good Dann talk. We used to talk. Ugh.

I don't think Sean's going to be home before I want to go to bed. I told him to call me when he gets home, but I'm getting tired.

I need to clip my fingernails...they hurt.

Sunday, December 19, 2004


It's 10 degrees outside. Due to windchill, it feels like -4 degrees. I'm not going outside. I need milk and toilet paper, among other things, but I refuse to go outside, and have refused all day. Got home at 11 o'clock last night, knew I would be going out again until I had to go to work tomorrow morning.

I wonder how much stock you should put in dreams? They're interesting, and I often find that what I'm thinking in a dream is what I'm actually thinking for real, but won't let myself feel. Sometimes (mostly) they're just gibberish, but even the gibberish has to do with what's on the forefront (and sometimes, the back buner as well) of my mind. There's lots of theories as to why we need dreams, or if we even need dreams. We know we need REM sleep, and that's when dreams happen, but no one knows if the dreams are necessary. Plus, you're not supposed to remember your dreams. At least, not on a regular basis such as me. So what the hell is the point of making up stories in your sleep that you never remember? So bizarre, really.

Last night I had a bizarre 'what if' dream...except it was my roomate's 'what if', not mine. Somehow (the word with which most dream description seems to start with) I came into contact with the parallel universe version of my roomate, where she had not moved to Chicago. She was somehow living both lives simultaneously, but was by this point two completely different people with different experiences and life goals. I wondered which one would prevail as "the Noell", the final version. I didn't know in the dream, and I worried that it wouldn't be "my Noell", but the other one. That Noell was fine, too, but we didn't have this time together. Even though she seemed equally happy in the other life, I wanted MY Noell. Bizarre, really.

Yesterday Mike Vanderbilt IM'd me. I have to think hard about what Mike Vandy's last name really is, because it's not Vanderbilt. My Mom nicknamed him that near the time that she also nicknamed Mike Cruise and Mike Gimmi. It's probably been three years since the last time I talked to Mike V. I really wasn't sure why he IM'd me. We don't have anything in common--we never have. I don't remember why I ever began hanging out with the guy in the first place, really. We talked for a bit about the past, present, and future. He was finishing the undergraduate phase of his perfectly planned, cookie-cutter life. Not that not finishing this phase now and in this way was ever an option. I think I find it interesting to talk to him, as he lives in such a very different world than I. My hope is and has always been that when he talks to me he actually takes the time to think about something he normally just accepts as-is. I don't know whether I achieve or have ever achieved that, but I like to think so. We were discussing the fact that when we met he was so innocent, while I was in many ways much older and scheming, and that intrigued him. It probably didn't hurt that I was a hot 16-year-old. He really just amuses me.

I was dicussing my 'scheming' nature with Sean. I think the most interesting part of the fact that I am rather scheming is that I am almost always completely unaware that I am doing it until I look back over the situation. It's apparently a built-in part of my personality or something. I don't know whether I like that or not. I don't think there's really anything wrong with scheming, as long as it's not evil scheming, which is the way in which most people think of it. I think all people scheme to some extent, I just maybe do it more or more effectively than many. Or maybe I just think I do. Maybe I should start paying attention to other peoples' scheming.

Friday, December 10, 2004

tall buildings and early mornings

It's 5:36 in the morning, and I've already been up for an hour. I'm sitting around drinking coffee, playing snood, and drying my clothes. Why, you might ask, am I up at this ridiculous hour, since I don't need to be at work until 10? Because Noell woke me up this morning before heading off to work...it was the only way I could be sure that I would get up. And I needed to pack anyway. Which won't take long, but I needed some clean clothes. Off to Delaware where it will be "warm". Ha.

Every now and then I try to remember to let myself be in awe of this city. Yesterday I walked home from the train since it wasn't very cold (I didn't even need a hat!), and there was no real reason to take the bus. I just gazed at all the beautiful buildings along Michigan and Lake Shore Drive. It makes me smile. In fact, I was singing. I frequently sing in the middle of the city, when there's no one near me. It makes me happy to think that I'm just walking around in this beautiful, anonymous city...singing. People probably think I'm crazy, but it makes me love me.

And that's what's most important.

But really, this city is amazing. If it wasn't cold and dark and dreary, I would never want to leave. I love the way this city makes me feel. I love standing among the tall buildings, and feeling tiny. I love it when the buildings get lost in the clouds. I love discovering places like Megan's Spanish bakery where everything is amazing...and 30 cents. I leave being on the lower level of Michigan or Wacker when it's raining. I love hopping on a bus just to see where it goes, and then figuring out how to get to work from where I end up. I love the guy who sells Sun-Times outside my El stop at work. I love walking through the city listening to music. I will miss this city horribly, even though I'm eager to be back in Florida. If only this city didn't fuck with my head in the winter. I'm sure I could learn to live with it, though.

Well, my buzzer rang on the dryer. Suppose I shall get up and fold clothes, pack, and go to work early. Might leave early too and go to Marshall Fields...even though it will be HELL on a Friday in the Christmas shopping season. Just thought I could find something for Liz there. I haven't been buying her gifts all my life, so it's a bit more difficult to know what to get her.

Ahhh...oldies. I'm in love! With everything! GOOD FUCKING MORNING!