Thursday, April 28, 2005

I'm in one of those late night crazy creative moods where I want to listen to passionate music and sit around and talk and feel and argue about life. When was the last time I sat around and debated life itself? It's that kind of thing that makes me feel old. They say that at some point idealism and philosophical discussions give way to practical considerations. It's funny because my major in a way is about concrete doings. Public Policy. How to create legislation. The history of said legislation. Where policies come from. I find it very interesting, but in a way it seems representative of my current life. Not that I mind my current life, because I'm very happy with it, just sometimes I get in moods like these and I want to sit outside and smoke cigarettes and discuss the world as it is and as it could be. These moods come around less and less than they used to. Also, the 'I Wanna go do something!' mood hardly rears its ugly head either. I don't know what that means. Maybe just that I'm content, but then sometimes I wonder if I ever should be content with what I have, or if I should always try to make it better. See, it's these kinds of thoughts. This is where I miss the palm court of another day, where someone was always sitting, no matter what time of night, where I could just show up and bullshit, or philosophize or whatever. I need an all night lounge. At the same time, I'm tired and should go to bed. I feel so old, and people keep telling me that I shouldn't. I need some way to reconsile the age in my head with that of my body. To want to be 20, that'd be okay too. But I'm just not. And people who say I am don't know. Or see what they want to believe, and I don't know what to believe. It's all very confusing. Sometimes I feel like a million people, and right now, I'm just one of them, but I could be any other.

I need to remember that my life is in my control and I need to do what I want to do. Last time I forgot that I had to leave school, so I best not forget it again. My life. My life. My choice.

Honestly, a journal is no substitute for someone to philosophize with, I'm afraid. Ugh, I miss all my friends of years' past. I need to keep them closer. But sometimes I just suck at that.

Well, I'm off to do something else, whatever that may be...

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