Choices, choices!

So I've been in a bizarrely good mood for days. I couldn't get anything done during my hurricane break. It was weird--I didn't need to be anywhere. I couldn't deal with that, so I didn't do anything. Except at the end I finally cleaned my room, so that was good.

Then, the day after the hurricane (day of? the afternoon...) it was 65 degrees out, sunny, and absolutely gorgeous. It's been like that for 3 days now, although I'm guessing tomorrow will probably be back to hot (yuck). With the sudden drop in temperature from 90 to 60, everything has felt very surreal. But I've also been really happy and excited. I LOVE cool weather.

Not to mention, I was having a lot of fun bragging (just a little) about my LSAT scores at school. It's really cool to be recruited by law schools. Since I never went to high school I've never been recruited before. It's nifty. Maybe it's childish, but whatever, I'm enjoying it.

My list of law schools that I'm even considering applying to is 15. Several of them I think are pretty much out. 5 of them I'm not sure about joint degrees...the other 10 definitely have either an MPH or MPP program. I know I'm definitely applying to Georgetown and to Boston University (as my backup). The more I look at it, the more I like Columbia. They actually require pro-bono work of their students, they have a generous loan forgiveness program, and they have an extensive study abroad program. I was always kinda bummed that I missed out on studying abroad during undergrad, so it'd be way nifty if I could do it during law school. I didn't realize that was even a possibility until today.

So yeah, there's a lot going on. I feel pretty good about life though. I wrote two pages of my thesis intro yesterday, and I have at least one more page to write before I turn in my latest version on Monday. So yay for that.

I'm off to read a bit more before bed. 'Night.

Chicago Marathon

When I went in the break room for brunch today, the Weather Channel was on and they were showing Kermit running in the Chicago Marathon. My ears perked up. Chicago Marathon, I thought, but that just happened. A few months ago, no more. After pondering the strangeness of this for several more minutes, it finally hit me that it had been an entire year since the last Chicago Marathon. Wow, how strange, an annual marathon that happens once a year.

A year ago, I was headed to Iowa to canvass for Kerry. But, we didn't have enough cars. that was the week that Berck had left my car at my apartment, so I had the not-so-brilliant idea of volunteering to drive. So, another volunteer in another car (not his) and I set off to go back to my apartment. Over an hour later we were still stuck on Lake Shore Drive and could not for the life of us figure out how to get west to my apartment. We finally were almost there when Nate, the volunteer coordinator, called and said to come pick him up, we were leaving, we had enough cars. He ended up walking to a place where we could pick him up, as we couldn't figure out how to get to him. They seriously had shut down over half the city...it was completely crazy.

Lauren, a gal I worked with, ran in that marathon. She taught me about this stuff you have to put on your thighs ('AstroGlide' or something) so that your shorts don't cause your legs to bleed from the swooshing. Geez. Perhaps that's a sign that you shouldn't be running that far.

Eh, well, I'm pretty pissed off at myself for messing up my fall break and not going to fall break like I had promised myself. Maybe I can figure out how to go over a weekend. I could go up on a thursday afternoon until monday morning if I could get 2 days off work and be free of the Catalyst. (I'd still be there to finalize on Monday evening.) I'd have to do it soon, though, because it's going to get cold. Very soon.

I always mess up my vacations. I really had good intentions on this one. I had talked to Noell, gotten the days off work, and given the dates to my grandfather to make reservations. It would've been perfect other than the slightly problem that they were the WRONG days. Ooops. Gotta love being a dumb butt.

Oh well, I'm really enjoying my low-committment break. Plus, it gives me a chance to catch up on work and put in enough hours at my job to make a little bit of money. And that's always nice.

Well, I have another half hour around this place. I'm bored to death. I worked until about 3ish, and then since then I've just been messing around. I bought a DVD player and some RAM for my computer. (The DVD player I bought with a gift certificate...the RAM I just couldn't resist buying once I found it and realized how cheap it was.)

Then...I can go home and veg out. Oh, too bad, Damy's out of town. In Phoenix with the boy. But whatever, I can watch Gilmore Girls and read econ philosphers or do whatever else I want to do.

Welll, I'll probably scadaddle in about 15ish minutes. No point waiting until 7 when there's nothing going on.

Time to end this blase entry...later...

Existance

Today I woke up and I finally remembered what it was like to be happy to be alive. It's a pretty cool feeling, not surprisingly. On the drive to work, I noticed that it was sunny, and not just that the sun was in my eyes. I had forgotten that I love the sun, and I'm always happy when it's sunny. It's beautiful out today. It's probably been beautiful out every day, but I'd never noticed.

For the last few weeks, I'd started to feel like I didn't actually exist. I was passing by my kitchen, and realized I hadn't cleaned it in weeks. Then I remembered that I hadn't dirtied more than a few glasses in weeks.

Not doing anything social does that to a person. When your only human interaction comes at work or in one of your many required activities.

A few days ago, a car passed me that said "honk if you don't exist." I'm absolutely sure that it was mocking me.

It's amazing how much good it can do you to get something like the LSAT behind you. After I took the test yesterday, I went home and slept for 3 hours. I got up, worked on my midterm and then my thesis and then went back to sleep. I got almost 12 hours of sleep last night, and woke up feeling well-rested for the first time since school began, probably.

It's great that I feel this good because I have a helluva week ahead of me. I have a midterm tomorrow, the beginning of my lit review for my thesis due on Tuesday, and my take-home midterm (10 pg essay) due on Friday. Then I'm FREE! No Catalyst, no school, no nothing. Except for work. But that's almost nothing. ;)

I truly can't believe that half the semester is over. A member just asked me 5 minutes ago if school had started back. Ha.

New College, you moved on without me!

New College moved on without us. That's what Laura and I have decided. It used to be OUR school. We knew everyone, and everyone we didn't know knew us.

Now we're strangers in a place that's supposed to be ours. I mean, we're still students. This was supposed to be our heyday. We're thesis students for god sakes. But no, we don't know this place anymore.

It's funny, though, because I see these kids and they do these things and they use these words, and they have no idea why. But I do. I know where they came from. I remember.

I love my institutional memory...it's long...but there's no one to pass it on to .

And I miss people. My people. No one in particular. No one more than the others, I just miss them collectively. I miss the school that was mine, say, my second year or so. I want those people back.

So Laura and I are going to start the "we used to be cool" crew and sit on the bench. Ha.

I know it sounds pathethic, but I feel a little empty these days, now that I don't have a "partner." Perhaps I need something besides work and productivity. I never want to sleep because I feel like there's something I could be doing that would be...like...fun...or something.

But alas. Gotta sleep. Gotta be at work at 9 tomorrow. This weekend and next weekend are the last two weekends that I don't have to be at work at 9am on Saturday and Sunday. Better enjoy it.

You know, god forbid I let my life get too stable. I'm not sure why not--I like stable. I like boring. It gives you time to try other things. Better than a life of needless drama.

But no, I have to upset my perfectly stable, calm life.

Not to mention, instead of moving forward, I'm moving backwards. Or, perhaps, in circles. I'm back where I was three (four?) years ago. Of course, I'm not really back, because it's completely different and all. And I'm not really "there" as much as I was visiting. But now my mind's stuck there again. How could I have possibly thought this would be better?

Now instead of being content, supported, and happy...I'm tired, slighly hungover, and more confused than ever.

I suppose my perennial problem is that I'm always trying to skip some stage of my life. (Was that repetitive...perennial...always?) I think the unfortunate truth is that I have to live through certain things, and try certain things, and fail at certain things. And then I get the knowledge--not now. All I need is time...

Ha, and you know how patient I am.

As usual, I'm disappointed that we have brushed over American history and painted a ridiculously simplified picture. I have been reading snippets of "What the Anti-Federalists Were For," a book that Berck sent me sometime before. This is not the first time recently that I have thought about the original Confederation of States. How quickly we brush that over now. The American constitution and the principles of American government that we praise so highly today...we treat them as if they were handed down by God, and all the Americans did was write these "self-evident truths" on a sheet of paper after the revolution...thereby securing the first democracy. (Err...republic). American History classes brush right over the Confederation, quickly mentioning that it happened, and then moving right along as if it is embarrassing that we once had a different governmental structure. God forbid anyone realize that the constitution was created through a process of lengthy debate, that it was not some automatic creation where the principles were obvious to everyone and just needed to be written down to secure the governmental structure.

If we are to assume that the constitution has been (at least moderately) successful, then why do we brush over the intricate debate that created it? Instead of celebrating and replicating this open discussion, we hide that it ever happened.

It reminds me of the fact that when they created the bible, they debated and argued over what gospels should and shouldn't be in it. That the structure that the bible takes, even today, is completely dependent on a few people and their personal opinions and motivations.

Once again, this is something that we (or Christians) don't talk about. I'm not sure what it is in our mentality that we want to believe that all our great documents contain immutable truths that could not possibly be arranged or different than they are. Why is it wrong to honor not just the brilliance of the ideas contained in the documents but also the process that the ideas came out of?

Of course, the funny thing about the Anti-federalists is that they were the federalists. They wanted the country to remain a confederation. It's interesting, because one party or another has been in favor of more state rights throughout the history of America. Basically, that's been whatever party has controlled the South. This isn't surprising as the South has always been marginalized by the federal government. It used to be that the Republicans were in favor of a strong national government, and the Dems were the ones crying "state rights!" Now that the Rs control the South, they have usurped the "state rights" battle call.

Although usually I am all for a strong federal government, as it is necessary for a strong welfare state, I can't help but wonder if the Anti-federalists were right. After all, it was the South that suffered from being part of the same country as the North. It seems like these days we all identify with the national government, and just bitch about the oddities of each state government. States have different taxes, different driver's license and tag rules, different rules about smoking...all these little annoying regulatory things. It seems like where states do disagree, the federal gov't jumps in and takes over. For example, I personally think that the drinking age is a riduculous example of trampling state rights through manipulation of money. But, despite all of this state rights bullshit, I think when it comes down to it I don't trust Texas to provide health care to their citizens. Because they've proven that they won't.

I've been in a paralysis for days. I come out of it to work, and then I come home and zombie out again. And if I start thinking or talking I immediately start crying. It's been a long time since I've been this miserable. Even Chicago winter was never anywhere near this bad.

I can't make myself do anything, so I figured I'd try to write. I spent nine and a half consecutive hours watching Gilmore Girls. And now I'm out, and that's probably the only reason I stopped. I should go to bed, but I'm not tired, even though I should be. I only got 4ish hours of sleep last night.

Being here is so miserable, so I work myself to death instead. Tommorrow I work at the yacht club from 9-5 and then I've gotta be at Chili's at 5:30. Won't be done until at least 10. Then dinner at Chili's on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm training as a server at the Yacht Club on Thursday. Friday is my ten hour day at the yacht club. At least when I'm working I'm sort of immune, albeit temporarily, from the misery.

When I'm home it just sinks in, and everything makes me sad. If I'm not watching TV I'm staring off into space. Sometimes I try to remember if I actually really had friends at one point, and then try to figure out why I have none here and now. It's been a long time since I've been this desperate to hang out with someone...but no one has come through for me. And then that makes me wonder if Sean was right and there IS something wrong with me. Something that repels people. And I wonder if all these people that I had casual relationships with, that I thought bordered on friends, if they even like me at all. And above it all, I just feel so damn pathetic. I feel like a whiny baby. I AM a whiney baby. I'm so alone. I've never been this alone. Ever. I come home to this big, empty apartment, and I wonder if I'll ever get it even passably clean. I don't eat anymore. I eat free food when given, but have ceased to consume dinner. I don't feel like cooking. Not for just me. It's too sad. And my kitchen smells like raid anyway. I can't kill the ants. They won't go away.

At least the kitchen is spotless. I cleaned for hours. But the trash can is dirty at the bottom. I need a hose. But...I live in an apartment and am hence hoseless.

And I wonder how many days until I'm carless. I feel like I'm stuck in mud. This problem isn't getting fixed. The car will disappear. AND Baby Ruthe is going to starve if she doesn't eat more food. She's eaten half a bowl since Tuesday. That's almost a week.

I wish I felt more creative. I wish I had a drive to create. I just feel empty. Like an empty shell. Like, my body's still here but my mind was supposed to go on vacation but I didn't get the note so my mind's stuck here alone. This isn't a life.

I had forgotten how closely emotional pain can resemble the physical pain. I've been through some pretty bad physical pain this month, and I can honestly say that the emotional pain is pretty bad. The only good thing is that I'm more likely to fall asleep than be kept awake by that sort of pain. But if I AM kept awake, it's pretty much just as miserable.

I wonder whether anyone has ever read this blog ever. Why do I keep a blog? To ramble on about dumb shit, when no one actually cares to read it? I hate that I'm that self-centered and attention loving. I hate hate hate hate hate that.

But I'll to work and pretend to be a whole person, a complete person, until they try to talk to me about what I do for fun, or my friends, or a life at all, and then I shut down and babble because I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. I can talk about all the shitty things in my life, but can't name one friend I hang out with in town. You know, more than once in the last year.

There's so much I need to accomplish this summer. Watching Gilmore Girls and staring at the ceiling are not on the list. I'm going to feel even worse if the summer ends and I'm in the same place as when it started.

I'm going to try to sleep now.