Moments of clarity or confusion

Alarm clocks

2010-03-02T19:28:00.002-06:00

I needed a new alarm clock.

The last time I bought an alarm clock was in late Jan/early Feb of 2005.* That alarm clock cost about 5.99 and did nothing but buzz at a set time.  The other alarm clock I've been using is, I'm pretty confident, more than 10 years old. I'm pretty sure I owned it in Longview.  Anyway, the 5.99 Walmart one crapped out a few weeks ago, and the one I bought from the Chinese 'everything' shop the other day turned out to not actually keep time--which would seem to be the basic requirement for an alarm clock.

So I went to Target to buy a new one and--lo and behold--oh the things alarm clocks do now!  Alarm clocks these days include features like:  automatic time-setting via . . . radio (?); most of them allow you to dock your iPod and wake up to it, and a few have a generic audio input--just in case I wanted to plug my computer up to my alarm clock; several project the time and/or date onto a wall or ceiling (freaky); some played CDs (so old-fashioned!).  

I think I must have spent at least 30 minutes staring at this array before deciding on the three** features I wanted, in priority:

(1) An alarm that automaticaly resets each day w/o my needing to turn it on (i've never had such a feature before, but cool!).

(2) Smallish size (all those features take up mucho room, and I have a small nightstand).

(3) Not-red LED.  I definitely prefer green or blue.

Anyway, I found a new alarm clock. It was decently cheap. On the downside, I visited target, which never never leads to anything good. Especially since I was in the electronics section. I totally want a Wireless-N router. And a Wii. And a printer . . . .

* Yes, there is a reason I know exactly when I purchased this alarm clock.  On a related note, I've noticed that one pleasant side effect of moving regularly is that it's easy for me to place the timing of events.  The other day someone said American Idol had been on for 10 years.  I pointed out that couldn't be true because I remember talking about it when it was a new thing in Maryland--so Winter/Spring of '04.

** There is actually feature (0)--that it plays radio. I've recently discovered that waking up to NPR is bad ass. It engages my mind in a way that is similar to talking to someone, which is useful for waking up. Also, the New York NPR station is *also* badass. Anyway, I didn't list this feature because there wasn't a single alarm clock that didn't have a radio.

Dismembered bodies

2008-02-25T10:11:00.001-06:00

This morning I got a chance to read a Crime Stoppers flier posted in the Nostrand subway station where I catch the A train every morning.

It was a flier requesting information about a murder committed back in 2005, and the most interesting part is where it stated, "part of his dismembered body was recovered in a subway tunnel at the Nostrand Ave station."

Nothing like gruesome crime to start off a week.

2008-02-07T01:04:00.001-06:00

When I first got to New College, in the first month, and quite possibly the first week, there was this afternoon. It actually could've very easily been an evening, and not an afternoon, actually, since it was August and it doesn't start getting dark that time of year until close to 9 p.m.

Anyway, Houston was playing his guitar. We were all sitting around in Third Court, outside of Anna and Elaina's room. I'm not entirely sure who 'we' were--I know it included Jake, presumably Anna and Elaina, since we were outside of their room, and I'm pretty sure my roommate Sarah and Will were there as well. An interesting collection of people, really. Anna and Elaina only made it a semester at New College. I don't know what happened to Houston--I don't remember seeing him past second year. Sarah dropped out a week into second year. In fact, Jake's the only one who graduated on time. I graduated a year late, and I think Will graduated after me. Point being, despite our hanging out on this particular afternoon/evening, we weren't actually friends--but we didn't know that yet.

Houston played a song by Third Eye Blind called "Motorcyle Drive-by." While I owned the CD it came off of (their self-titled debut album), I'd never really noticed the song until he played it. A little while later it became a favorite of mine, and today it's one of my all-time favorite songs, if not my absolute favorite.

There's no real value to this entry; it was inspired by my desire to capture the moment. Lacking a photograph, I figured words were the next best option.

I was smoking a clove cigarette while he played. I think Sarah bummed one, and Jake told her she looked too innocent to smoke, that it looked weird. I asked if I looked too innocent to smoke, too, and he scoffed at that idea. Apparently I lost my innocent look long before age 16.

2008-01-28T21:44:00.001-06:00

Fastest way to get out of jury duty (outside of being an attorney/law student): state that you believe in the power of jury nullification. If you're lucky, they'll dismiss the entire panel with you.

Word of the day (from Justice Cardozo, via Corporations class):
punctilio - a fine or petty point of conduct or procedure

2007-12-03T23:57:00.001-06:00

Conductor: We're being held by supervision...we'll be moving shortly...
Driver (over loudspeaker as well): They need this train at Lefferts.
Conductor: What was that, partner?
Driver: They need this train at Lefferts.
Conductor: Copy that. Stand clear.

Why they were communicating via loudspeaker, I couldn't tell you.

2007-12-03T09:26:00.001-06:00

I just saw a moving truck parked on West 4th. The name of the moving company was "Schleppers." How awesome is that?

2007-11-25T20:23:00.001-06:00

Well, in the hopes of blogging more--just for Berck--I installed Google's little Blogger dashboard widgit. It's really rather cute. So now I can blog from here.

I just got home from Florida, and did the very stupid thing of falling asleep around 2:30 for 6 hours. I've probably screwed myself for the rest of the week. Hopefully Benadryl or something will be able to knock me out around 1 or 2, or I'm going to be really suffering through my 7 hours of class tomorrow.

The most interesting thing I did while in Florida was run around Apopka doing errands. It actually *was* rather fun. I sort of felt like an alien, though--like i was out of place. I had to jump over bushes to walk between Walgreens and Albertsons--apparently I was supposed to drive. In Walgreens and Albertsons I kind of walked around, mesmorized at the sheer size and selection of the stores. I think the Apopka Walgreens is larger than my corner grocery store, and doesn't have that much worse of a grocery selection!

Alright, I have to go do tax, but more later...hopefully.

Street names and nursing homes

2007-07-13T09:58:00.000-05:00

The street that I work has a four different names. 2 actual street address, find-it-on-Google-maps names and two "honorary" names. The two real names: Duane St. and Federal Plaza. The two fake names: Paul O'Dwyer way and also FBI Special Agent Someone-or-Other St. Doesn't it kind of take the honor out of having a street named after you if it's also named after someone else? It's bad enough that they don't actually rename the street--they just add a name that you need to have remarkable vision to notice and be able to read.

Amusingly, despite the fact that no one notices all of New York's "honorary" names for streets (of which there are many, since some of them appear to only cover a block or two), there has been a recent controversy over renaming a street in my neighborhood in Brooklyn. Go figure.

Moving on...

The last two weeks have been better at work. I am helping out an attorney who is working on a nursing home case, which is actually very interesting work. Unfortunately I spend a lot of time waiting around for her to tell me about what she wants to do next.

Basically, the State gov't (in this case, the NY Department of Health), inspects nursing homes on a regular basis. The surveyors issue something called a "Statement of Deficiencies" (if there are deficiencies) which identifies the scope and severity of each deficiency. Each level of scope/severity is assigned a letter. L is the worst--Widespread immediate jeopardy to resident health or safety, and A is the least serious--Isolated/No actual harm with potential for minimal harm. Sometimes (often) these nursing homes appeal the surveyor's findings and our imposition of remedies (such as monetary penalties, termination of the provider agreement, denial of payment for new admissions, etc.). When they do so, we represent Medicare at an administrative hearing.

Science and the person next to me

2007-06-27T11:16:00.001-05:00

Something strange happened to me today. Well, not that strange, but at least notable.

I left for work around 45 minutes late today, after getting 3 hours of sleep last night and just dragging this morning. At either the Clinton-Washington or Lafayette stops, a girl sat next to me on the train. At some point I glanced up from my book (Mark Twain's Life on the Mississippi) and did a double-take--I realized I knew this girl sitting next to me. She went to New College, and in fact, I'm pretty sure she started at the same time I did. I wanted to say her name was 'Kate.' One of the classic hippy-types that's almost extinct now.

Anyway, I kinda tried to get her attention, but she looked about as dead as I did. Later on I noticed her glancing at me in the "don't I know you" way...but I was too tired to come up with an appropriate way to address her. After all, her name might not be Kate. And holding a 20 minute conversation with her while half-asleep could very easily be brutal. So instead I just kept reading and never said anything to her. Oh well, it's not like we were friends.

This isn't the first time I've run into New College students in the middle of the City, but it is a bit weird when one unknowingly sits down next to you on a train!

In an unrelated tangent, I've been missing science. I'm not that great at science, and it can be a struggle for me to understand some concepts, but I miss spending time trying to wrap my mind around complex scientific concepts and theories. I've been reading these science articles in the New York Times. They've been making me long for my biochem book, and the computer programs used to model proteins. It was so cool learning science on that level, and now I'm reduced to reading pop science. I'm not even sure I could understand actual scientific articles now. I had a hard enough time understanding them when I was a science student.

Firm observations and the past few weeks

2007-06-26T16:03:00.001-05:00

So, it turns out that I have nothing to do at work, for the fourth or fifth day (but not in a row). Lame. I'd write some about the interesting things I've done at my job, but...I can't. At least, not without passwording this blog. Maybe in very general topical terms, but that's it.

New York city is a different place in the summer. First of all, it's absolutely flooded with tourists, making it hard to walk. Second, there's free and cheap stuff going on all the time. Third, it just seems different to me because I'm working in a different neighborhood and not horribly stressed out. In fact, I'm not stressed at all. My grades are in, I got the schedule I wanted for next semester, and I've made a big dent on firm research. I have to narrow the 200+ firm list to 50 by the end of next week, but that's starting to feel doable. The massive spreadsheet is coming along, I tell ya.

Things I've learned since beginning my firm research:

- All big law firms have a "collegial" environment--whatever that means
- When the New York office is a branch office, it only does the most boring corporate work--think mergers and acquisitions, executive compensation, and complex financial transactions
- Most big law firms do very little plaintiff-side work because they represent so many Fortune 500 companies that it almost inevitably presents conflicts of interest
- The culture of each law firm varies by department, so reviews are useless
- Most health care work in New York involves representing the biggest pharmas around, meaning I'm well on my way to soul-selling
- "Complex product liability litigation" means defending huge product liability class actions
- "Employment law" means defending huge companies from employees that sue them and figuring out how to give massive amounts of compensation to CEOs and COOs
- Associates at all firms are unhappy about the sporadic work, unpredictable and long hours, and the bonuses (regardless of the method for rewarding them, and particularly where the method is unknown)
- Associates at all top firms think most partners are nice, most associates are friendly, and their law firm has more reasonable hours than all the other law firms

Other observations from recent weeks:

- When I'm sick and am dragging I still walk faster than the tourists
- I'm one or two science classes short of being qualified for the patent bar
- Men are more likely to be obsessive elevator button pushers. Why oh why do they feel the need to push the button for the floor when it's already lit up? I can't help but think this is something left over from the days of yelling "I want to push the button!" as little kids. Maybe they're making up for lost time.
- The Chicago El is so pleasant during the summer and so unpleasant during the winter. The Subway is so pleasant during the winter and so unpleasant during the summer. Getting stuck next to that sweaty guy just sucks.
- The guy who serves me my coffee at J&B coffee looks like Kal Penn.

Things I've done over the past few weeks:

- Go to the Met for the first time
- Tried to go to Opera in the Park
- Watched short films on the roof of a high school in the lower east side
- Went to the Coney Island Mermaid Parade
- Watched a lot of Braves games

Well, that's about it for now. I'll try to keep blogging if I'm going to keep not having work to do. Seems like a valid thing to do!

on life, but not profound, at all

2007-02-13T00:03:00.000-06:00

The random philosophical-esque intro to last week's Grey's Anatomy happened to be about something that's been bugging me for months--the idea that not everyone is destined for greatness. In fact, most people aren't. But we assume we are.

Does everyone assume their life will work out great, or is just the lucky ones like me who grew up with no need unfulfilled and limitless encouragement? While it's great that I spent my entire life knowing that I could do whatever I wanted, I went through a bizarre panic a few months ago.

It finally hit me that my life isn't going to turn out how I want. That isn't to presume that it's going to turn out badly, or even that looking back from my deathbed I won't be happy with it. But it's not going to turn out how I want, looking forward, right now. It also won't turn out how I expect. And, even more disturbingly, there's a significant chance I won't be happy with how it turns out.

Maybe this sounds obvious to most people, but I found it rather shocking. It's also somewhat amusing that right now, while my life is more "on track" than ever before, I would be plagued by such thoughts. But, I think maybe that's it. Now that I'm here, thrilled that I'm at a great law school and feeling more privileged than ever before, I realize more than ever that life doesn't simple "work out." I think I've spent a lot of the past many years looking at life as reaching "life markers": turning 18, then 21, graduating college, etc. It seems like the further you go, the less clear the markers become. Where do I want to be in 5 years? It's no longer so simple. (Taking 7 years to graduate college gives you a long time with one goal, maybe that's why I'm a bit disoriented!)

Anyway, that's pretty much what I'm lying here thinking about. Life doesn't turn out how you want. Also, there's a hell of a lot of sadness and pain in life. I've spent most of my life being terrified of pain I haven't yet encountered, under the strange semi-karmic (long before I'd ever heard the word karma or it's incorrect usage) belief that I'm overdue for serious pain. Severe hurt or sadness or something. I'm still terrified of this. It's kind of like pitching a no-hitter. The further along the game goes, the more pressure is on the pitcher, and the more they think about not giving up a hit. It can become overwhelming. And the longer he goes without letting up a hit, the more painful he knows any hit will be. 5th inning hit is bad, but he knows an 8th inning hit will tear him up inside.

So far my no-hitter has been amazing, but giving up that first hit is going to be so painful...

hardly surreal

2007-01-15T01:54:00.000-06:00

Sometimes my life seems surreal. Okay, so mostly when I'm drunk. Or, well, tipsy. I've always wanted to spell it 'typsy,' but I think that's wrong. That has something to do with when I first heard the word. Berck was telling me about Courtney getting drunk, and he told me Courtney said he was just 'typsy.' And that's how it was spelled in my mind...forever more.

Anyway, when I'm typsy, and sitting alone in the subway station, my life seems surreal. Tonight, around 2:00 a.m., I was sitting there listening to music and reading Faulkner. Faulkner is weird when I'm sober, but it's even weirder when I'm not. And music is cooler when you're not entirely sober.

Earlier, when I was waiting for a train on my way to Manhattan, there were (at least) 3 mice running around, in and out of this hole in the wall, right by me. Usually I see rats in the subway, and they're always in the tracks or otherwise far away, but these were three little mice, running around right under the bench. Once, in the same station (my station), I saw a big rat run out of the tunnels and stop right next to the this guy. He didn't respond, which I thought was very New York of him. Then, the rat started running back to the tunnels. The guy, who was like a foot away, suddenly noticed him and physically jumped. I was amused. This is why I love public transit. It involves the public. Despite my usual hatred for the public, I sometimes rather enjoy it...them...ugh, pronouns.

Our language has pronoun problems. When writing my memo (due at noon on Sunday--wtf?!?) I had problems with the antecedent/pronoun agreement for corporations and universities. "Baxter Corp. was prohibited from using ___ bone marrow separation devices." Should be its. But their sounds more natural. Berck says in Britain they would say "Baxter Corp. were prohibited from using their bone marrow separation devices." That makes more sense. (Btw, Baxter wasn't...CellPro was, due to a patent owned by JHU and licensed to Baxter.)

Does it make sense that we use federal money to buy AIDS drugs which were developed with federal money? Policies are whacked. It's just funny the different political circles around those two policies. Perhaps the result would be different if considered together, but I'm not sure. I'm probably not in any state to be discussing this...

Okay, I'm off to watch a bit of Ally and return to my mind, which I rather like.

legal absurdity

2006-11-14T19:05:00.000-06:00

Okay, sometimes (often) lawsuits just reach a point of absurdity.

I'm currently reading a suit that arose out of the building of the Memphis City Hall in the 1960s. Apparently there was some sort of problem with the marble! So...

The supplier of the marble sued the subcontractor in charge of installing the marble, the general contractor, the City, their supplier, and the insurance company for the job

the subcontractor counter-sued the supplier, sued the general contractor, the insurance company, the city, AND the architect

the general contractor counter-sued the marble supplier and the subcontractor

Confused? Yeah, so am I. And the court allowed all of these claims to go forward in one action. so currently, the parties to the action are: the general contractor, the subcontractor, the insurance company, the city, the marble supplier, the marble supplier's supplier, and the architect--most of whom have all sued each other. Awesome.

Spam poetry

2006-11-01T12:43:00.000-06:00

"Biracial is myself beyond family encounter it simply situation or.
Geekiness of argument damn obtaining in reader!"

"Bad advice provides a proof many."

"And I quite agree
Not being devoted we were innocent of all crime"

"The message has arrived-it is time to leave. The search has widened."

So the newest spam method is to load the front of an e-mail with nonsensical combinations of words that vaguely resemble english language, hence eluding spam filters. In fact, I've actually had a few of these make it through to my inbox, which is pretty rare.

I don't know why these nonsensical word combos amuse me so much, but they do. It's like a combination of magnetic poetry and ad-libs.

weekend/27 brevoort facts

2006-10-29T22:48:00.000-06:00

When you go long enough without posting, it stops occuring to you to do so. Oh well. I think pretty soon I'm going to give up on the online journaling thing and return to writing in hand. I met this girl in a coffee shop last week, and we started talking about the perfect journal. It has to have perfectly spaced and printed lines, or no lines at all. It has to be spiral bound or have a really worn cover so that it can lay flat. There's other requirements too, but these are the most important. I think her boyfriend was laughing at the fact that she found someone who actually was interested in talking to her for 20 minutes about journal requirements.

I'm mostly just amused that I actually met a stranger that I had no connection to. How weird! These days I feel like I'm incapable of meeting and cultivating a relationship with anyone who's not in lawyering group 8--and I'm not even great at cultivating relationships with those peeps.

I was supposed to go to halloween party with Ames last night. I was actually pretty excited about it, but I woke up with a horrible pain in my neck and a sore throat. Chris, the third roommate as of late, informed me that that is exactly how his illness began. So, coming to the conclusion that the neck pain was more likely a virus than a football injury, I decided it would be a good idea to laze around all day. So I did. So no party for me.

Today I at least managed to leave the house to go to the store, so that was an accomplishment.

So, fun facts about where I live. My building was either built in 1927 or earlier. The first certificate of occupation I can find is from 1927, which looks to be from a new building, but I also found reference to a marraige license for a resident of this building in 1913. I suppose it's possible that there was a different building in 1913. But that's not the creepy part.

In 2000, there was a fire in this building, and a girl died. 17 people were also injured, and the owner of the building was accused of arson (although he was subsequently acquitted). I'm pretty sure that we're the first people to live in the building since said fire. Thankfully for my psyche, the girl died on the second floor, and I live on the first floor. I have to admit, searching for legislation related to a fire in my building is a whole helluva lot cooler than researching the possible consequences of being involved in a money laundering transaction.

thoughts

2006-10-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

I apologize for not writing. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't really done anything else, either. I sorta miss the world. My lawyering group is a nice substitute for the world, but it's just not quite the same...

But I can't sleep yet, and no one wants to talk to me. So I remembered that I have a blog! Fabulous!

Way too many exclamation points.

I feel like I should write about what's going on in my life...but I'm fairly sick of talking about that. I also had the fantastic NYC stories I was going to tell. I remember the one--where I watched a guy get his duffle bag tossed in the subway tracks (and he was in serious danger of getting in shoved in front of a train himself)--but I don't remember what the other story is. Plus, I'm too lazy to actually tell that first story, as it's kinda of long. Well, actually, it's short, I just don't know how to tell a short story, so it'd be long.

I'm moving to Brooklyn. Probably on Saturday.

They make you do all this work at law school. It's rather annoying. And then I volunteer to do extra work outside of class, because I'm a dumbass. But, of course, I couldn't resist the extracurriculars--I never could.

I may have the best pass ratio of any receiver on our flag football team. No, really--I'm serious! It's around 66%.

I'm now on Season 2 of Battlestar Galactica, thanks to Ames' urging.

Perhaps I should get up and either have (a) ice cream (b) cheese and crackers (c) beer. Maybe all 3. Nah, I probably won't get up. If I get up, I'll be obliged to do something useful, and I don't want to do something useful.

I keep forgetting that today is Sunday. Or was, I guess. I left here at 11ish to go to a training at school that lasted until 3. I then spent the next 5.5 hours in the library or meeting with my group. I never think briefing cases takes long, but I guess it does.

continuously sore this week

2006-09-23T00:32:00.000-05:00

So I haven't blogged as of late. Guess I've been a bit busy. In fact, I know I've been a bit busy. I'm so glad it's the weekend and I can attempt to catch up on stuff! Actually, I don't have class until 3:00 on Monday either, so I can use it as a catch-up day as well. In fact, I only have to get up at 9 am on Tuesday and Wednesday, so that ain't bad at all.

I'm writing this entry on my brand new MacBook! Okay, so technically it's not MINE...it's my new loaner. Which is a brand new black one...not shabby at all. Theoretically, I may receive mine one day. If not, I plan on keeping this one indefinitely ;) I was pretty shocked that they gave me a black one. I'm definitely going to miss the blackness when I get mine. I kept imagining it in black anyway, and had to remind myself that it's going to be white, because I couldn't justify spending $150 extra for a color.

Other than that, I don't have much to say. I've been exhausted most of the week. I was horribly sore after playing flag football in the pouring rain for two hours last week, and then I ended up with "outer ear" infections in both ears. It's just been that kinda week ;) Plus, Damy is here, so we have our apartment search to contend with as well.

I really just want a weeklong break. So maybe I haven't been in classes that long...doesn't meet I couldn't use a break! too bad NYU doesn't have a fall break. That was really nice.

Grrrrr....Apple...

2006-09-14T09:28:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, it appears to be somewhat yucky outside today. I am running out of long-sleeve clothes to wear; I hope Mom sends some my way soon.

I am so frustrated with Apple. It's been 4+ weeks since I ordered my computer, and they're currently estimating shipping for late next week...putting me at 7 weeks since ordering the damn thing. I think I'm going to go in today or tomorrow and just buy a standard config one from the Apple store in SoHo and forget this nonsense. I'm just waiting to see if Apple will get back to me about terms.

But I just really need a computer. I just don't think I'm prepared to wait another 2 1/2 or 3 weeks for one. It's making all of my work take longer, and I'm sick of trying to use the computers in the lab. (Which are frequently all occupied, btw.) I want a damn computer, already.

Welcome to law school, folks!

2006-09-11T19:15:00.000-05:00

Could I BE sicker of group work? My lawyering prof is group-work obsessed. I think it is directly related to her peppiness. We had a group presentation due last Wednesday and today, and a group writing assignment due this Wednesday. I think group writing assignments are worse than group presentations AND worse than solo writing assignments.

I haven't written much the last week...I've been busy and tired. Tonight I'm finally relaxing. I finished all my Contracts homework for tomorrow during break, and I did my Civ Pro homework last week. I should go back and type out my Civ Pro briefs...they're kinda weak. I should re-read the 10 pages of opinions of the Supreme Court. They annoyed me so much last Thursday that I ended up just skimming the last half and not getting a good idea of how the four opinions varied.

I've realized this past week that law school is an exercise in ridiculousness. The Supreme Court case I'm talking about is a divorce case where the husband contested jurisdiction. He didn't win, as California had jurisdiction based on a well-settled common law principle. We're talking...uncontested for over 100 years. Despite this fact, the Supreme Court decides to take a cert on the case. For no particular reason, as they're not going to overturn it. They just do it so that they can write 10+ pages about why this well-established doctrine should remain exactly the same. Except with 4 separate opinions. I KNOW the Supreme Court has better things to be doing.

In addition, here's a selection of recent cases I've had to read: a woman sues the 5-yr-old who pulled a chair out from underneath her while she was sitting down; a woman sues a 4-yr-old who ran into her while riding his tricycle; a man sues another man for purposely blowing smoke in his face; the owners of the WTC sued fertilizer manufacturers as their products may have been used in building the 1993 bomb. There are many, many more. Welcome to law school, folks!

Heh, I'm playing flag football this Friday! I'm excited ;)

It was chilly today. So nice, being a Floridian. I've realized that I really don't own closed-toed shoes other than tennis shoes. In FL we always wear sandals, even when we have coats on. I need to go shoe shopping. I don't actually have any money yet (stupid NYU!), but in theory, I'm definitely getting it tomorrow. (Uh huh. Just like I was going to get my computer in 2 weeks or less. It's now been a month and still no word. Damn you Apple! Damn you! I also blame NYU, since Schuy ordered a Macbook the day before me direct, and he's got his. I think NYU hates me.)

I had a blast with Mom yesterday. I wore her out. I think she found Manhattan and the Village slightly overwhelming. It's a lot different from hanging out in Midtown. She took the subway to the airport this morning all by herself. I had to get up to walk her to the station and get her on the train (at 5:30!) but she took the subway and transferred to the air train and all that. Yay!

I think I need to start planning attendance at cheap(er) cultural events. Plays, shows, etc. I'm just overwhelmed with the options. Between school activities, school groups, non-law-school-school stuff, museums, nightly shows, other shows...whew. Too many choices!

Beautiful and grotesque

2006-09-04T01:57:00.000-05:00

Ani DiFranco has a song where she describes someone as "beautiful and grotesque" ("and all the rest of that bug stuff"), and that's how I feel about Manhattan, particularly in the late night/early morning. Tonight I had the pleasure of waiting for the J Shuttle in what has got to be one of the absolute ugliest of the Manhattan subway stations--Chambers Street. There's a lot of Chambers Street Stations (not all connected). The Chambers Street (A/C) and World Trade Center (E) stop is kinda nice...although it has these freaky mosaic eyes. But this isn't that one. This one is falling apart. Perhaps the freakiest things about Subway stations at night is the absolute quietness, which you never get during the day. I could hear water dripping; people tapping their feet. I was wondering if I was completely ridiculous to wait for a train to go one station over, but I know I always get lost when I try to walk. (I seriously need to buy a compass). Besides, it was 2 a.m. As it turned out, half the people waiting with me got off at the same station.

Tonight, while waiting for a friend to meet me outside of a Subway stop, an MTA employee asked me for 2 dollar bills in exchange for her 8 quarters. I'm thinking "this COULDN'T be to get to work, could it?" Sure enough, it was. They have to PAY to go to work? There's something pretty sick about that.

Why is it that junk food/fast food tastes and smells absolutely amazing after midnight, particularly when alcohol has been consumed? I never want McDonalds, and I was going crazy at the smell tonight. So now I'm eating 'Pizza Rolls' (I think that's what they're called), which also happen to taste amazing.

So I met my friend (Justin Clarke-Doane) in SoHo, and we went to two bars on the lower east side. The first was fairly empty when we got there, not as cheap as we expected, and showed bad 80s porn. The second was 3-stories. The bottom level had a band ("Afro Punk"--which, while Afro, was not at all Punk); the middle story had a DJ and a lot of people ghetto-booty dancing; the top floor open-aired, and had a place where you could both drink and smoke at one time--a real rarity in NYC. We moved down to the middle level after they kicked as out of the top level. Justin convinced me that I should dance with him. Ha! At this point all the good, black dancers on this level had moved out and been replaced by less-than-good white dancers. As I told Justin, I sometimes do things just because they make a good story. That's why I danced for a few songs. It was fun though. It was totally just like being at a Wall. Pretending I could dance while being surrounded by people who weren't much better. Awesome. Plus, ghetto booty music: the one type of music I can sorta/kinda dance to.

All-in-all, it was a pretty good night. I feel much better about starting my second week of law school.

law school photos

2006-09-03T11:52:00.000-05:00

Okay, putting multiple pics on here without editing the html is proving to be a bitch. Grrr. I think I'll just leave them like this.

The Law School consists of two buildings (Vanderbilt Hall and Furman Hall), connected (mostly underground) by the library. I have half my classes in Vandy, and half in Furman.

So, here we go...top is Furman Hall (it's taller, although I think there's nothing relevant to me on the top floors). Next is the front entrance of Vandy. Next to bottom is the Vandy Courtyard, and bottom is the front of Furman.

So there you have it. It gives absolutely no flavor of New York, but whatever. Maybe another day I'll actually take a photo of Washington Square park, which is much cooler. You can probably find a photo of my apartment building by googleing '2 Gold St'--you can also find a lot of articles about the building of it.

So, I've made it through my first week of law school, and I'm beginning to reclaim my sanity. Thank goodness for a 3 day weekend (sorta four...we had only one class yesterday). Today is also the first day since last Friday that we've had nice weather. There's actually pretty blue skies showing today, and it's in the low 70s out. Friday night and early Saturday we got Ernesto fallout. It was cold (low 60s) with gusty winds (up to 25 mph) and lots of rain (3ish inches). Glad that's over. Although it was really fun to wear sweaters and jackets! I like long-sleeved clothes.

I apologize for the layout of this entry--I give up!

crappy day and photos

2006-08-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

Ugh, crappy day.

Mom's in the hospital. She was complaining of chest pain, and the doc decided she needed to go the E.R. She's okay, they think, but she's staying there over night.

I feel pretty bad, since the pain is most likely stress related, and my move was a big cause of stress for her. It also sucks that, of course, I'm not in FL. I'm never in FL when she goes to the hospital.

I was at Orientation events from 10-1, then I finally got around to depositing some checks and went home to nap. I set my phone, and it woke me up at 4, but the next thing I knew it was 5:00 and I was on the phone with my Mom's friend Donna, and she's telling me that my Mom's in the hospital. Except I don't remember falling back to sleep. I guess I must've, but I just don't remember it at all.

So that meant I missed the one thing I was interested in going to...the receptions for sections. I wanted to meet the people in my section, since I'll be spending the next year with them. Oh well. Tomorrow I'll at least meet my lawyering group.

I still haven't gotten my computer. Maybe tomorrow.

For some reason my fingernails are getting in the way when I type now. I really don't understand what I'm doing differently. They're the same length, but now typing is really uncomfortable. It doesn't make any sense, really. I wonder if it could have to do with the height of my desk or something. Let's see...it seems to be slightly better, but not gone, if I put it on my lap. Perhaps I'm just losing my mind.

Oh, I did take a very few boring pictures. The first one is the view from my window. Actually, a small portion of the view. I'll try to remember to take a more complete one.

The other one is my room. Thrilling, huh?

I think I'll be glad when Orientation is over and classes begin. Not that I'm really all that motivated to start working on stuff at the moment. I did my Torts homework (so far, can't get that book cheap), but I still have contracts and "Civ Pro" to do. Heh, I'm starting to learn the lingo.

I guess I should probably just order my Torts book on Amazon, but I'll wait until tomorrow to rule out any other students selling it. So far, they've all been selling other Torts books, including the guy who I can tell was "in my section" last year, that I'm buying my Contracts book from. They had a different Torts prof, though, as mine's a visiting from GT.

That ball of anxiety

2006-08-25T01:04:00.000-05:00

So I'm having trouble sleeping.

The last time I suffered from a bout of insomnia, I had just finished my thesis and bacc and found myself momentarily with nothing to do.

I don't really think that's the problem this time. Although, if I had more to do, I'd probably be sleeping just fine.

I feel like a ball of anxiety. This is unusual for me. Stress is usual; anxiety, while a cousin to stress, is not a usual problem for me.

My life is very surreal. I look around my plush Manhattan apartment and wonder how the hell I ended up here. All the normal 'little things' that happen to push you into just this place at this time. I sold Arielle's loft today, and the guy that picked it up kept saying over and over again how nice the building was. Yup, I should not be living here. I should be living in a little Brooklyn walk-up, paying half this amount. But I'm here, which means I get to be anxious about money. I'm going to have to figure out how not to be anxious about money, because I could very well end up being anxious for the entirety of the semester, seeing as how I won't run out until the end. That's the problem with getting all your money in a lump sum at the beginning.

I wanted to finish my New College scrapbook before school started, but I'm not even halfway through, and I appear to have lost all motivation. I have only Friday and Saturday left as a free woman. I could possibly get two or three pages done, but that's probably about it. So maybe I'll just take it out on slow weekends and do a page here and there. But I really should try to finish it in the near future. I don't really want it as a project...I want it as a finished keepsake. Wow, that's so dorky. I am a sentimental dork.

Hmmm, I see that my cat has usurped my place on the bed. Silly kitty. Time to skooch him over.

The lonely concert

2006-08-23T23:26:00.000-05:00

So tonight I went to a concert. Alone. Which I find to be a bizarre experience, although Marisa claims that going to concerts with people is bizarre for her. Go figure.

The concert was Better Than Ezra and Sister Hazel. I know Sister Hazel better (middle school fav), but like Better Than Ezra better. I keep typing Exra. Grr. Somehow my roommate ended up with a ticket, but she didn't want to go. So I went.

I didn't have much to do upon getting there, so I decided to drink beer. This made me enjoy the first half of the concert much more. Besides, even though a can of Amstel Light was $7, the ticket was free.

I talked to one of the SH guitarists after their half of the show. I thought I would be witty and interesting, but as it turns out, I had very little to say. He was excruciatingly nice. So was everyone else in the band. I'm serious. 3 of them were out there signing stuff and talking to people, and they hurried no one, yet got to everyone.

SH is from FL, and that made me homesick. Of course, I don't actually LIKE Florida, but I do miss a certain familiarity that I had there. After all, I lived in Sarasota longer than anywhere else but Mobile. And I lived in Mobile when I was tiny.

BTE mentioned Mobile in a song about the Gulf Coast. I appreciated that. They're from New Orleans. All in all, BTE put on a better show than SH. Their front man is goofy and quite the entertainer. He looks about 22, although he must be closer to 35, seeing as how he said he played CBGBs in 1995. For the encore, he had the other band members come back and play: the triangle, woodblock, shaker thingy and tambourine. Then he had them solo on the shaker thingy and woodblock. It was quite amusing.

So, all in all, going to a concert alone was not a BAD experience, but I definitely prefer going with at least one other person.

Next time you should go with me!

Hungarian bridges

2006-08-22T23:04:00.000-05:00

So I went to D.C. this weekend and hung out with Nicole. I completely failed in hanging out with anyone BUT Nicole, and we barely left the house. Instead, we watched the entire first season of Veronica Mars...which I've already seen. But, it was still awesome. Doing absolutely nothing with someone else is good fun.

Today I successfully rearranged my room! Woot...I am a spatial genius. I managed to fit all of the furniture into the room...which I didn't think could be done. I probably can't fold out the futon chair, but at least I still get to keep the futon chair. Which is awesome.

Other than that, I have nothing to report. Tomorrow I'm going to visit theNYU library and attempt to find my textbooks, so that I have something to use until I have money to buy textbooks. I'll also go to the bookstore and buy the 2 cheap books.

There you go...an incredibly boring blog entry. By the way, do you guys think that Hungary will really name a bridge after Stephen Colbert?

law school stuff

2006-08-17T11:52:00.000-05:00

Interestingly, NYU does not go about haphazarding ripping its students off on textbook prices. At least, not the law students! For all of my textbooks, the NYU bookstore and Amazon had identical prices UNLESS Amazon was having a sale. Of course, the used textbooks are somewhat cheaper (on some, not at all), so I'll have to figure out whether the saved money - the cost of shipping is worth the hassles of used books. It's nice to not be ripped off, even if the prices for textbooks are way too much to begin with and probably half the 'new' editions I'm using are exactly like the old one.

In one class last year, I bought an old edition of a book for class. I realized that the new edition was IDENTICAL to mine, page for page, except that the font was bigger. But, since the pages were also bigger, everything was still on the same place. They just blew up the damn book and charged $50 more.

I now have my entire class schedule, which has led me to the understanding that law school scheduling (apparently not limited to NYU) is bizarre. I have classes that meet at 9 am on one day and 2 pm another day. Other classes meet for 2 hours twice a week, and 1 hour once a week. All in all, there's no easy memorizing of my schedule. But, I put it all into my google calendar, which has finally enabled SMS messaging for Verizon (yay!).

The Intriguing Hitman

2006-08-15T23:08:00.000-05:00

I wonder what our (meaning, I suppose, American's) fascination with hitmen is. Lately (as in, the past two weeks or so), I've been coming across the theme of hitmen in movies, television, and the book I'm currently reading.

I suppose it's that for most people the idea of someone who can kill for a living, yet remain a functioning human being is bordering on impossible. In general, hitmen in stories are ridiculously polite or calm or 'nice'. Something to challenge our notion of what a killer would be like. I suppose there are actually hitmen in the world, but I somehow doubt that the romantic image found in movies and books is very accurate. But I do wonder what killing for a living does to a human being. I've never met a killer, as far as I know, so for me, as with most people, it is a mysterious sector of our society.

I seem to be having random, unexplained problems with spelling and/or typing sentences. Leaving out words, or suddenly being unable to remember how some word I know quite well is spelled. It's very weird. I hope it goes away soon. I hate my typing to be less-than perfectly comprehensible.

Jonah "tagged" me to answer the question 'if I could write a novel about any subject, what would it be?' I will answer this question, but I'm not going to tag 5 people as instructed. Mostly because I doubt that there are 5 people who read this blog.

I think it's interesting that the question specifies a novel. I think a generic 'book' would provide a more interesting question.

Like Jonah, I'm hardly capable of creating fantastic worlds in vivid detail. I think I am able to write realistic fiction based on my own experiences, and that is what any novel I wrote would be. I suppose a novel I wrote would explore some themes. I've considered exploring age issues, gay issues, and depression issues. I don't have anything to add on the middle, but the first could be interesting, I suppose. But probably only to me.

All in all, I find it unlikely that I would write fiction other than as an exercise for my own mental health. Possibly short stories. I think writing short stories is exceptionally hard, and impressed with people who can write meaningful short stories.

But if I was going to write a book, it'd probably be an extension of my thesis, and therefore not a novel at all, but a really boring non-fiction book. I like to think it has some pretty interesting parts, however.

I bought a MacBook today. Of course, since I *had* to custom order it, I won't get it for 1 1/2 to 2 weeks. Which is too bad, because at most, I'll only have a day or two with it before classes start. At worst, I won't get it until after classes start.

I also will be receiving a free (after mail-in rebate) ipod nano. I pretty much plan on selling it on eBay, unless someone I know desperately wants it.

I wandered into an NYU library on my walk around Washington Square Park today. Didn't notice it yesterday. It appeared to be a 'general' library, so it's probably the main one. I was interested to see if they had a fiction section. They had a small 'leisure' reading section, but I didn't see anything that particularly piqued my interest. But I know it's there now, and right next to the law school, pretty much.

3 of my classes were posted today: Contracts, Procedure, and Torts. Only Torts has the syllabus and first assignment posted. I assume the others will have at least the syllabus soon, so I can get the books. I really don't entirely know what Procedure is. I guess it's where you learn how things like suing someone work. I don't know if it covers Criminal or Civil procedure or both. I'm not looking forward to Contracts. My brief introduction to Contracts taught me that it is a bizarre section of law that makes less than adequate sense. My New College professor said it was the only area he had issues with in law school, so apparently I'm not alone. Isaac didn't think it made sense either. Of course, who the hell knows? I might love contracts--I don't know enough about it to know, I suppose.

Okay, I'm off to try to finish up the last of my book. Maybe I'll be able to sleep at a reasonable hour. (Ha.)

Computer shopping

2006-08-14T23:16:00.000-05:00

I've spent a decent chunk of time over the past few days trying to decide what computer I want and how to pay for it.

I've pretty much decided that I want to buy a MacBook. There are 2 major issues with this: (1) the law school requires a PC, so I'll have to maintain my current laptop or buy another and (2) at 6 lbs (including power adapter), it's a pretty heavy computer compared to something like a ThinkPad. (Which would be my second choice).

But I think I just need to bite the bullet and get the MacBook. I really want it! I spent quite a while playing around on one today at the computer store, and it was quite nice. The black ones are suave, but for $150 extra--no way. ($200 price difference, minus the $50 hardware upgrade).

Overall, I had a fairly productive day today. I faxed the last form I needed to take care of, got my NYU ID (not a totally horrid picture, either), and went to the computer store. In between the ID place and the computer store I got completely lost and ended up in the West Village. This is highly amusing because I was Northeast of the computer store, which is one the Northeast corner of Washington Square park. I ended up Southwest of the Park without ever seeing it! I was actually doing fine with directions until I tried to turn West on 8th St. All the streets started going wonky--no longer any right angles--and all the sudden I had no clue where I was. Oh well. It was a nice tour of the West Village, I suppose. Tomorrow I will go to the computer store from the subway, so hopefully there's no need to get lost. I also got my last check from work (for some reason they didn't direct deposit it), and I found out there's a Wachovia in the city after all. It's on the same line as the computer store, so I'll go there too.

Berck, Sean, and Dad have all requested photos of New York, so I'll try to remember to take some tomorrow and post them.

I would really like a tiny compass. Preferably one built into a cell phone. Screw that stupid GPS shit. I want to know what direction is North! That would solve most of my directional issues. And I wouldn't have to concentrate so hard everytime I get off the subway ("okay, the train is going North, so I'm walking West, now South, now West again...").

Okay, time to read. I'm on my 6 book in 3 weeks. Of course, I didn't read in the middle week. 3 books in Montreal, and I'm on my third since I got here. Soon I will have to borrow books from Marisa. I think she has a decent library.

for the love of cats and fear of youth

2006-08-14T00:31:00.000-05:00

There are few things more beautiful than the absolute trust of an animal. I was just laying and petting Killer, who was laid sprawled out on his back, his belly up and eyes closed. His paws were stretched back and forward as much as possible, and he let me sit and rub his belly and chin. I felt very loved.

Everytime I glance at myself in a mirror these days, I absent-mindedly wonder what I look like to a stranger, particularly to an incoming JD student at NYU Law School. I always think--when I stop to actually register the thought--that they're going to realize that I'm young and I don't belong. I have to remind myself that I'm NOT young, I'm not hiding anything, and I'm completely qualified to be there. I suppose I'm so accustomed to be the youngest in a group that I've internalized it. Even when I wasn't the youngest at New College, I had internalized that I hadn't done things in the proper order, and didn't have the proper backgroud. But that's not the case here. I may be on the younger end of students, but there are others who are 21, and I probably have more life experience than them anyway. Possibly.

Some of these people seem so...sophisticated. Or something. They all play sports and travel to Europe. It's weird.

When I was at NYU for admitted students day, I felt everyone looking at me, or when I talked, realizing that I was the young one. I probably need to slowly break this mental mode, preferably before classes start. I must remember that they are just as disoriented as me, even if some of them are a bit older.

I feel silly.

Graduation photo and packing

2006-07-23T21:08:00.000-05:00

This is a photo that Laura wanted...so I'm posting it here.

I realized that putting photos here from my gallery site isn't difficult, so I might as well post some now and then.

Tonight I am working on packing stuff (talk about yuck). Mom took my desk home with her (it wouldn't fit in my car), so now there's a mess that I've been trying to clean up.

I really miss my desk. It's probably my favorite piece of furniture :(

I don't much feel like writing now, so I'll do so another time.

The Wacky World of my Mind

2006-07-10T18:01:00.000-05:00

I had some crazy dreams last night. A LOT of crazy dreams. Maybe that's why I'm beat today, not sure.

I had a dream that I was starting law school, and I was at an orientation-like thing, except that we were on a boat and were learning about boating and boating safety. How's that for combining my thoughts? Stupid yacht club. Then, at some point, we had to take a 'diagnostic' test, which would determine which section we landed in. And they kept shuffling us around from room to room, and they didn't have enough space anywhere to hold all of us.

Another dream involved Longview High School football players, which is pretty weird. It might possibly have involved the Catalyst as well. I know at some point I was at a Catalyst meeting, telling people what to do, and then suddenly I realized I wasn't the Editor anymore, and I was probably causing lots of resentment among the current editors. Oops. I was upset, though, because none of the staff was enjoying themselves. And then I started doubting that I'd ever had a good semester as editor. Very frustrating.

death and jobs and packing

2006-07-07T19:17:00.000-05:00

I find it disturbing how quickly all signs of an accident can be cleared from our roadways, leaving no evidence that something tragic just happened.

This morning there was a really horrible (from what I heard) traffic accident on Bird Key, about 2 blocks (or less) from us. Traffic was backed up for hours, there were 2 or 3 fire engines and something like 10 cop cars. No one could come into or get out of Bird Key for quite a while, apparently. I didn't see it, but I heard things like "There's no way the guy in that truck survived" and "You could see blood dripping from the truck." Gross.

Yet, a few hours later (admittedly, more like 6 hours later), on my way home from work, I could not discern a single clue that there had been a fatal accident there earlier this afternoon. I'm not sure why that that bothers me, but it does. It's probably related to what Erin and I were talking about yesterday--being scared that no one will notice when you die. She's convinced that one our members is really dead, and we just don't know. Which is actually quite possible, seeing as how she lives in Wisconson (or Illinois...somewhere in the Midwest) for half the year. If members' families don't tell us they passed, we usually only know from the obits, which we check daily for familiar names. It's really rather morbid, but you have to consider the fact that we probably average 2 deaths per month. When I first started, it didn't bother me, because I didn't know any of the members that died. I didn't know as many members, and many of those that died were unable to travel to the club close to their death, so there's no way I could've known them. Since January, however, members that I know have started passing away. It's weird for me to encounter so much death, seeing as how I've really never dealt with death. I mean that no one that I am very close to has ever passed away, so death is really freaky for me.

Which is probably why I'm harping on this.

Oh, well, enough about death.

I'm sick of my job. I've once again let myself be taken advantage of, but that's okay. I think I'm appreciated, at least. Sandra has figured out that if she annoys me about something long enough, I'll stop saying 'I don't know' and will figure out how to do what she wants, or figure out the information she wants. It's a no-win situation for me. Oh well. 2 weeks left. Plus one day. That should be easy enough.

God I still have so much to do though. Rooms to clean, boxes to pack, forms to fill out. Grr. I really need to go buy shipping supplies, since I need to pack all my stuff to be shipped from Orlando to New York. Must do. Soon. Tomorrow.

But for now, I need to shower and clean. My room has reached the point of clutter where I can't move around, and that's always an issue. I washed ALL my clothes in Orlando, which I NEVER do, so I don't know how I'm going to get them all to fit. That's okay, if they don't fit, I'll just get rid of more of them.

ramblings

2006-07-05T15:32:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm back home after a long holiday weekend. More specifically, I'm at work.

I literally have nothing to do. I'm all caught up on my work, and I really don't know what I'm going to spend the next 3 weeks doing. Plus, Erin is all efficient and junk. How annoying ;) It's 4:30, and no one is here. Winnie's on vacation, Ken hurt his back, accounting's gone home, and Chuck and Sandra left early. So I'm sitting here writing a blog post.

I spent Friday through Tuesday at home in Apopka. We went over to my uncle's house every day during the day...sooooooo many of my cousins and such were in town. I actually spent time in the sun for the first time in like...years. Got a little bitty bit of a tan, went skiing, swimming, and kneeboarding. And rode on the silly ski bob thing with my little cousins...that was ridiculous. I used to ride on that thing at my friends' lakehouses in Texas way back in middle school.

Mom helped me work through a bunch of my money and travel worries, and I've finally calmed down a bunch. I don't have to worry about money as much, now, and my plane reservation is made, so I can't change my mind about that anymore. Plus, I've got the cat confirmed and all that good jazz. OH! I need to call the vet. And I still have to send off all my americorps paperwork to pay off various things. Annoying. But, I'm finally taking care of it.

I need to buy a lot of packing boxes and such, and start packing stuff up. Particularly books and stuff that I won't need between now and then. Moving is such a pain. I described it as a 'cleansing' to Aunt T. It really is, lol.

I found all of Robert and I's old campaign posters. Those things are HILARIOUS. There's a pic of us with Stacey, and the caption reads: "9 out of 10 chess masters agree: 2 presidents are better than 1." I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all of them. They're too big to scrap them in this book. I can't decide whether I want to take all the rest of the stuff and scrap it, and put the campaign posters elsewhere, or put them all somewhere together, if that makes any sense. In addition to the campaign posters, I have some photographs and Catalyst clippings. Plus some of our 'platform' notes. We were such radicals!

What I really need to do is finish my graduation announcement. I wanted to have that out forever ago. Oh well.

swimsuit, math and knife woes

2006-06-24T23:02:00.000-05:00

Scrapbooking can be really tedious sometimes. I really need an x-acto knife. I know how I cut out letters before without one, but it's getting obnoxious.

I really need to stop spending money. Grr. I almost spent $135 at Victoria's Secret today. My way of going swimsuit shopping without actually going through the misery. But then I realized it wouldn't be here until the second week in July, and I really need a swimsuit for July 4th weekend. So perhaps I'll go shopping tomorrow. I wish Victoria's Secret carried those clothes and stuff in the store. Do they carry swimsuits in the story? I don't think so. Which is too bad, because they have the whole mix/match thing going, which I like. You can choose what style top, which bottom, and even a cover up. Very nice.

I've been sooooo lazy the past few days. I've also gotten done the things that I've needed to get done. Well, I should study more for the GRE. The test is...well...a bit looming. I started working on the math section today, and I was bombing out right and left. Making silly mistakes, not understanding questions...grr. I'm hoping that the example questions (where they teach you strategies) happen to be very hard. But I have a feeling that they're not. Maybe I'm just out of practice, and they'll get easier. I sure hope so. The one really obnoxious thing is all the geometry. I never took geometry, so it's a very, very weak area for me. Why can't they just have a bunch of algebra questions? I like algebra. What does math have to do with grad school, anyway? I could understand testing something like statistics (which I don't really know, btw), but testing geometry (which you should've learned in high school, and are therefore relearning specfically for this test) seems...strange. I don't get it. It's not fun to study like the LSAT, either. Well, actually, the vocab and verbal stuff is sorta fun. Silly math. Just thought I'd do better. But I guess I should've known I never learned that basic stuff quite well enough. After all, my last math SAT score wasn't all that great...at least in comparison to the strides I made on verbal. (I used to get better scores on the math parts.)

I feel like I create mess in my room faster than I can clean it. But it's not dirty...just messy. Like, lots of junk. I should really be better about throwing stuff out, but I'm just not. Oh why oh why. At least I'm working on getting rid of a bunch of stuff before my move. I've even been moderately successful. But I need to step it up.

Stuff...must...go. Stuff=evil. I know, I've moved too many times.

I want my new computer. I wish I had more credit. Or better credit cards. I'd go ahead and buy it. But it looks like I might have to wait for a while. Bleh. I got all excited because Amex sent me a really awesome card offer...0% APR for 15 months...on their blue card. Yet, despite being pre-approved, I was denied. For lack of credit history. In reality, my credit card history goes back to 1999...which is seven years. And I have nothing bad on it. And I have two credit cards in perfect shape. But, since I waited to take out a credit card (I was scared), I'm punished for not having 'sufficient credit'. Credit just seems pissy to me. Why should people who go out and get a credit card right on their 18th birthday be rewarded for that? I was supporting myself on my 18th birthday, I just didn't use a credit card to do it.

I wish I could get a bump in my credit for being an NYU law student. After all, that's some major earning potential. I think I deserve a little gold star for that ;)

I hung out with Steve Thursday night. His birthday. And Laura's. (I'll have forgetten by next year, though. I'll once again only know that both of their birthdays are between June 20 and 24.) I hung out once with Steve last summer, and other than that we haven't really hung out since we lived together. So it was cool to see him. We watched Buffy, and we talked, and we cracked each other up like we used to. Twas nice, and I hope we can do it again before I leave.

I probably should stop watching so much Buffy. I think it's starting to get into my dreams/daydreams a bit. Probably not so good. It's just so much fun to zone out and think about nothing but what's on the TV.

Well, I'd go to bed, since I've gotta work early, but there's no way I could get to sleep yet.

Shopping list: Allen wrench, swimsuit, and x-acto knife. Damn not being able to get those all at once store. Well, actually, I could probably get 2 out of 3 at Target. You never know; they could have allen wrenches too. It seems that that's where I always end up. Didn't I spend enough at Target LAST weekend?

Okey dokes...off to...do...something.

Home from the windy city

2006-06-15T21:43:00.000-05:00

I just responded to so many e-mails. Woot--I feel popular! Okay, not really, but I can dream, right?

It's good to be home, even though home is still in Sarasota for a little while longer. And Sarasota is hot and boring and SO not Chicago. Grr. My kitty missed me, and he's letting me know it, which makes me feel loved ;)

Chicago was a blast. It's just such an amazing place in the summer. I got to wander around my old neighborhood, visit my old workplace and friends, travel on the train...all good. There's a particular smell in the subways of chicago...a mix of oil, dirt, and, uh, human "essence". I suppose it smells bad, but to me it just smelt like home. I used to walk through that underground tunnel twice a day, every day. They're actually renovating that subway, so I felt a little out of place for a moment there.

Let's see...what else did we do? We went to tons of my mom's AMA receptions...lots of handshaking, small talk, and free drinks. By the third night I was reception-ed out. But before that it was fun. Plus, Mom was having a blast bragging about NYU on my behalf. We got to see an awesome show at Second City...I dragged Mom out to an 11pm show, and then made her stay for a little improv thing they did afterwards. She loved it, though. And we were a bit typsy. And then we went downto catch a cab at 1:30 in the morning and I got in a yelling, cursing fight with this drunk guy. That sort of freaked my mother out. She's like 'they're going to shoot you if you do that in New York!'. Today one of the yacht club members was like 'no, no, she doesn't get...they'll shoot you if you DON'T do that.' What can I say...he pissed me off. Took me the whole cab ride home to calm down.

We went to the Blues Festival, and quite a few bars/restaurants. I went to Wicker Park and the Field Museum on my lone wandering days. And to a fundraiser my old employer (Campaign for Better Health Care) was holding. I got to meet the girl who took over after me (whose name is Sydney) and a bunch of other VISTAs. They're all like "Sydney? Sydney Nash?" Pretty cool to be known. Plus, they all still use all my materials and work off my reports and all sorts of neat things. And I fixed their Access database, which "broke" not long after I left. They were really impressed, since it only took me 5 minutes. When I pointed out that it wasn't impressive, because it wasn't actually broken, they were still impressed. Oh well. But it was really good to see Megan, who I was probably closest to Chicago. She's the Assistant Director of the Health Care Justice Project now, so they keep her pretty busy. We had lunch one day, and I also go to hang out with her at the fundraiser. Jim (the big boss) was up from Champaign for the fundraiser, and he was happy/surprised to see me. I even got a hug ;)

Well, that's about it for now. I really want to watch more TV, but the next seasons of Buffy did not, to my chagrin, finish downloading in my absence. Grrr. Then Azureus screwed up and then we lost power. At least, so it appears.

2006-06-05T20:18:00.000-05:00

I wish I knew why Firefox goes so incredibly slowly on my computer. Hmmm...let's see if closing Damy's BearShare fixes anything. I had an inkling that might be the problem. BearShare: "Keeping BearShare open helps the entire filesharing community. Just minimize it and you won't hardly notice it's running." But your roommate will. I don't think she was actively downloading, but I'll have to ask her about it. That would explain why all of my stuff has been downloading so damn slowly.

Well, I was in a philosophical write-y mode a few minutes ago, but I'm not sure I am now.

I wish I were at coffee with Laura. That would be perfect. For a moment I considered going alone or even calling Mark and asking him to go, but I decided neither of those would work. Alone is boring and Mark would probably say it was too late, seeing as how he lives out on Siesta and all. Lameness, I tell ya, lameness. And Bill's leaving town tomorrow, so I'm sure he's busy.

I wish my roommate were actually home. I'm down to seeing her once a week these days. And I'm not exaggerating. It's kind of weird.

It's a little bit lonely around here, if you didn't pick up on that. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm very much enjoying life right now. Everything is peaceful and boring, and I'm enjoying that. I'm reading, and doing, and relaxing. I finished my Rushdie book today (it was loooong...I liked it though). Now I'm reading Sean's latest novel, which being about the porn industry is a wee-bit graphic.

I want to scrapbook. I haven't for the life of me been able to find my old scrapbook. I sure hope it turns up, because I've put many hours of work into that thing. But I went out and bought a new scrapbook...it's smaller and it's white (the old one had black pages, which, while cool looking, was a pain in the ass). But I can't start because I don't have many photos in print...need to take my photos to walgreens and get prints...Plus, I look putting "stuff" in my scrapbooks, not just photos. And my "stuff" box (stuff I want to save, for whatever reason) is in Orlando, except for really recent stuff. So I'll bring it back with me after the Chicago trip. (We leave on Friday...I'll be up in O-Town on Thursday). The idea would be to have some photos printed to work with by that time. Of course, I already have a few here and there.

I've been artsy and nostalgic and thoughtful and all sorts of things of late. And I've actually been trying to write. I've written a few things that are sort of like fiction. Just snippets, really. I hope to keep it up. The writing. Woot.

I got to write down on a transcript request form today that my status was 'graduated'. Oh yeah, baby.

I was productive. Ordered my final transcript, dropped off another form to be filled out for NYU, got my immunization records from the health center, got my wheels aligned, oil changed, and my hair cut. I liked this afternoon. I couldn't work out, though, and I feel somewhat bad about that. But my living room is frickin claustraphobic with furniture. Damy supposedly has plans, but I'm not so sure what they are. And since she isn't particularly into the living here right now...the claustrophobic furniture isn't bothering her. To start with, I need to take apart my pretty table and take it home with me Thursday. The more I look at it, the more Thursday is starting to look like a pretty short day at work. Too bad, I could use the money. Another lousy paycheck coming my way. Yucky. It's not that I need that much money to survive, but in theory I'm trying to SAAAVE here. And doing a shitty job, I'll tell you that. My days of wanting to work myself to death are apparently long gone. I will not turn this summer into last summer...working 2.5 jobs. I like my free time!

possibilities

2006-06-01T23:25:00.000-05:00

42 floors is really high. In Chicago I lived on the 25th floor. I thought that was pretty high. But that pales in comparison to 42.

I wonder what Killer's going to think. I think the window will be a lot less exciting than our window (door) here. No lizards and cats and stuff. Oh, well, I'm sure I can keep him amused.

Today he's been in glue mode. Meaning, he sticks to me. Not just in the same room, but a 3 ft radius. It always warms my heart. Especially today, since I'm sick and stuff. Bah.

I'm starting to get bored of the boringness, which is a good thing, I think. But I'm not done doing all the things I need to do yet, either, so it's good that it's still boring. Tomorrow I'm going out for dinner and drinks with Mark. That'll be cool. I'm glad Mark's going to be in town since no one else is.

Well, there's Damy, but I never see her. But we did get to hang yesterday. She said 'tell me when you're ready to do stuff again.' Ha. As soon as I'm not sick.

And tomorrow I've gotta go into work. It's Amy's last day, but little Erin (Stagner) is applying to replace her! How awesome is that? She has an interview tomorrow and everything. I'm really frickin' happy. If they hire her now, that would be amazingly awesome. I get really excited about dumb things. But maybe then I could go to Colorado and visit Berck, and that would make him happy.

Or spend time in DC with Nicole and her large house.

The possibilities abound.

I gotta be careful with the being responsible. I'm about to start law school. I don't have much time left to take silly roadtrips and waste money.

dreams

2006-05-27T11:50:00.000-05:00

Kelsey was trying to convince me that NYC is dark, grungy, and scary (more so than Chicago). Last night I dreamed I was in a New York City that was scary. It was pretty weird. I was trying to get to Kelsey's apartment (I know, he doesn't live there), and I was with Mom and Berck and a bunch of strangers. We decided not to ride the bus, because we would've had to wait for the next one. Kelsey went on ahead, and halfway through, Liz left us too. We did find the apartment okay, though. But it admittedly was somewhat terrifying. We passed a public transit bus that was like destroyed in the middle of the road. And there were these weird single-file bridges that looked like something out of a concentration camp. The whole thing made me think of those scenes in movies of "post-apocalpytic" Earth. So finally I say "well, it's not dirtier than Chicago, and it's not darker, but it is scarier." My defeat. And at that moment I was scared about living there.

In another dream I was in an Oriental restaurant with Berck and two strangers. I ordered some steak dish, and they served it to me rare. I knew I couldn't send it back (something bad would happen!), but it was horrible. Completely cold. No one else at the table liked their meals, either, so at some point I went and borrowed some leftover food from another table (it was out so others could try it) and that was pretty good. I saw what everyone else had ordered, and wondered why none of us order that stuff, because it looked damn good. Stupid restaurant. I must've been hungry to dream about food.

Night before last I had a dream about the yacht club. I sure hope I'm not back to remembering my dreams all the time, because that totally sucked. Hmmm.

Jumbled thoughts

2006-05-24T18:21:00.000-05:00

So it's been an emotional rollercoaster of a few weeks. DC, weddings, parties, graduation. Whew! Where to start?

So I guess I'm a college grad now. I feel wiser! Uh. Yeah. Leaving New College is weird. I was so obsessed with getting out that I forgot to realize (wow...do you ever completely forget how to spell a word for no good reason? i.e. when you're not intoxicated?) that I was going to miss it. New College has been my home for five years. Even when I wasn't there, I still considered myself a New College student. Just away for a bit. It's one of the few homes I've ever had. The last time I was that home somewhere (or spent that long somewhere) was in Mobile. I'm such a nomad.

As a result of this realization Friday night, I got a bit sad. Friday night was awesome (and Saturday morning, hehe) but Saturday I was kind of mopey. Missing things, people. Grr.

I do miss Laura a lot. Especially on Mondays! Sunday I went over to Sarah's to tell her goodbye as well. That was nice.

But graduation was awesome. For as many pictures as were taken, I wish we had taken more. I got my camera all ready to take to pcp and then forgot it like a dumbass. I thought about going back to get it before I finished my first beer...god, I wish I had. No one else I was out with had cameras. None of my friends take pics. They're all old and don't care.

My Mom went so overboard on graduation. Banners, flowers, all kinds of stuff. I think she's REALLY proud. They all are, I guess. Way to be the first Nash kid to earn a degree.

DC, by the way, was awesome. I have some good stories, but I don't know if I'll get around to telling them, as everything went crazy once I got back. But it was a beautiful wedding, and they're such a loving couple, and that made me very happy. And I go to out to bars in Georgetown and see what it was like to be of drinking age in a city that's NOT Sarasota. You know, where there's young attractive people instead of 50-something washouts.

So now I'm settling down into my summer. And getting excited about NYU. I set up my NYU "home account" today. I'm trying to decide on my preferred e-mail. I think it's going to be snash@nyu.edu if it's not taken. srnash? sydnash? So cool. I know it's a dorky thing to get excited about...but...I'm a dork. So...WOOT! I'm going to be attending a school that EVERYONE's heard of. How's that for a change?

Amy, the new receptionist, put in her 2 weeks yesterday, which is the worst news I've heard in a while. Now they're going to make me work as a receptionist again or something. Grrr. I don't want to! Anyone want a cozy job as a receptionist? I've been enjoying my freedom from recepting too much...now it sucks when I do it. I like coming in when I want; taking care of stuff at my own pace.

I think that's it for now. I'm supposed to go out on a date tonight. I'm not entirely sure that I've been on a date since I was 15. Better find something to wear.

This post's such a jumble. Sorry. Better gathered thoughts next time.

7 more hours

2006-05-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I have seven more hours left at work. Grr. It's really cold. I'm going to go change the thermostat. Ugh, stupid thermostat claims it's 77 degrees in here. Ridiculous.

Anyway, SEVEN more hours. I've been here for 3, as I actually got to work on time. I only go to work on time because I couldn't oversleep. I couldn't oversleep because I was never asleep. I'm supposed to drive to Orlando after work, so I'm hoping I'm not too tired, because I'd rather drive tonight than in the morning.

I have senioritis SO badly. I have almost nothing to do. Yet, it's next to impossible to do the things I do have to do, which are: (1) Library copy of thesis (2) turn chapter 2 of my thesis into a paper and turn it in and (3) do case briefs for my law and econ tutorial. Since we're running out of time, Coe told us to do the whole chapter. This is turning out to be quite the ordeal...probably 20+ cases to read and brief. There's no way I'm briefing this many cases. I will read them all instead. Normally I enjoy my L&E work, but it pretty much sucks today. Plus, contract law is dumb. I am dreading that class in law school already. I am convinced that contract law makes no sense.

Example: Suppose farmer A sells what he believes to be a barren cow to farmer B for a low price.

situation A: Farmer B knows that the cow is NOT barren, but actually pregnant, and does not disclose this information. This contract is valid.

situation B: Farmer A knows that cow is barren, but does not disclose this information. This contract is not valid.

situation C: Neither Farmer A nor Farmer B know the cow is not barren. After the sale, Farmer B discovers the cow is pregnant. This contract is not valid.

Go figure. It seems to me that there's a lot of weird incentives in contract law, but maybe I just don't know enough about it yet. Of course, I'm not sure I want to know more.

I have it on good authority that I'm going to be offered admission at University of Chicago tomorrow or the next day. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I think I still want to go to NYU, but I think it's only fair to give UChicago it's fair shot. Learn about it, etc. I can't go visit since I only have two weeks to decide, and that's about graduation. Too bad, because I'm visiting Chicago in June. It's hard for me to consider schools other than NYU, but I have to remind myself that that's because (a) I've been picturing myself at NYU for a while now and (b) I know a lot about NYU.

I just made the mistake of saying I was bored to Winnie. Oops, she gave me something to do. Of course, I have SEVEN hours to do it in. Well, 6 and half. Luckily, I get to eat in 19 minutes. I like eating. There are few things in this world that I enjoy more than eating. Possibly sleeping. And sex, but not always.

Well, this is rapidly disentegrating from a poor starting point. Bad news. I shall go eat now. Whew.

wine, beer, and tequila

2006-05-05T18:27:00.000-05:00

Perhaps I should try NOT going out on Thursday night. Last night, of the three activities, I had planned, two got cancelled (Which was perfectly okay with me...except that I prefer to cancel...). First, Jeb ended up not being able to hang out, as he was stuck in a boring deposition. Then, Eric apparently decided we weren't going our last night, as he didn't text me back. Go figure. But I didn't care.

Because I didn't want to leave dinner. Naomi came over and cooked (she normally does this on Wed, but she had to finish her thesis Wed night). For once, I was the one who didn't need to work on anything. She got there late, so by the time she showed up to start cooking, I was on my second glass of wine. Near the end of dinner I just started laughing and laughing. Then I realized that that is exactly what happens to my mom when she has a few glasses of red wine, and that made me laugh even more. Bev looked me at me jealously, and said 'I'm so going to be there soon!' and that made me laugh even more. I must've laughed for 20-25 minutes. It was awesome. And the food was really good. Seared tuna and rice rolls.

After dinner, Damy decided we should go to Cheetah. Being slightly typsy, I, of course, agreed. So we went. Strange experience, honestly. First off, I couldn't actualy stand to look at any of the girls dancing due to the really, really bright strobe lights that kept blinding me. Second, I was rather uncomfortable and realized I would be having a lot more fun (a) in a big group and (b) while drunk. Since I had to drive home, I could only have one drink. But, it wasn't anything like I expected it to be. Can't explain how I feel about it. Damy and I mostly observed people, and commented on the girls. After a while, we were "uninspired" so we went home. According to Naomi, Ritz employees get in with no cover to Cheetah. There's something really fucked up about that.

Today's cinco de mayo, but my dumbass club is holding their cinco de mayo party tomorrow night. I bet you that cinco de mayo was commercialized and popularized as an 'American' holiday by tequila and Mexican beer companies. It really is bizarre when you think about a bunch of Americans sitting around celebrating a holiday that has no significance to them. No one even knows what the day is about. It's not a Mexican independence day. Actually, it has to do with winning a battle against France--most Americans have no clue that France ever occupied Mexico. I know because France is one of the '6 flags over TX'. (Spain, France, Mexico, Texas, USA, Confederate).

On the other hand, I am going to a cinco de mayo party, where I will gladly enjoy a few coronas prior to the wall. Lovely.

Indecisive is my middle name

2006-05-04T00:19:00.000-05:00

Weird day. I fell asleep on the couch watching Twin Peaks last night. I downloaded and burned the series for Damy. I used to love that show. Daina and I watched the whole thing my first year. Anyway, falling asleep while watching TV is a nice antidote to writing e-mails and thinking about stupid stuff while not being able to sleep. I actually slept better on the couch than I've slept on my bed in the last few weeks. Woke up at 10ish, and went upstairs. Damy yelled at me that the upstairs toilet is broken (downstairs has been fucked for a few days...) and that I needed to call a plumber. I kept thinking I needed to get out of bed and call a plumber and get ready for class. I woke up at 2:30 when Damy called me. Oops.

I ran errands after that. Went to school, paid the dumbest parking ticket I've ever gotten, filled out forms, signed up for graduation cruise. I dropped a bunch of shit off at the free table. Yesterday, when I was being bored, I decided to clean out my closet. I threw away these black boots that I've worn to so many PCPs it's ridiculous. Black boots and my jean skirt. I need to find a new outfit, lol. Actually, I haven't worn the black boots in years. Way too uncomfortable. Which is why I gave them away.

I was supposed to go out with Eric, the bartender I met at Daruma, but that didn't happen. Which I was okay with, because there's few things I enjoy more than watching TV with a good friend while drinking beer and eating junk food. We're supposed to go out tomorrow night. Jeb is in town in the afternoon, then I'm having dinner with Naomi, Braja, and Damy. Then a "date" with Eric. Busy day. Maybe I should get to sleep, since it's supposed to start with work at 9am. And, I was going to present my paper (a.k.a. the 2nd chapter of my thesis) in class. Ooops, I guess I'll do that next week, as I'm not really prepared. I could just skip class and put in some hours at work. Maybe that's dumb too, I dunno. Going to class just seems so silly. And since I'm not working next Tuesday (I'll be in ORlando), I could really use the hours.

Maybe. Dunno.

There is possibly no word that describes me more than 'indecisive.' I usually end up taking the path that requires no extra effort. In this case, that means NOT class.

I'm starting to read a book by Salman Rushdie. Because I can read again. Woot. And I got my GRE study book. The vocab works are ridiculously fun. (I'm a freak.)

"I'll say goodbye, love..."

2006-05-02T21:07:00.000-05:00

"One blaze of glory..." I love this song. [Sorry, those two quotes are from different songs. I'm feeling quotey tonight...]

Now that the weekend's over, I'm kinda back to going crazy over having nothing to do. I mean there's things to do, but none of them need to be done, and none of them are fun. So it's hard to get up the motivation. I should be exhausted. I got like 4 hours of sleep last night, but instead I don't feel like going to sleep. I feel like I want to do something. Not even that. Maybe just curl up with someone. Too bad Killer's not more of a cuddler.

I want to install Xubuntu on my computer, but I don't want to do it until I finish downloading the things I'm downloading...and burning them to DVDs and all that good bullshit. Except that I'm running out of space on my hard disk (damnit). Besides, redoing my computer, between the backing up, the installing, and the configuring...is a many-hour project. Not something to be started at 10:14 at night. Unless I don't want to sleep much or don't care if I have a usable computer tomorrow.

Sending off soul-baring e-mails always seems like an excellent idea when you're writing them in your head as you try to get to sleep. I always think I can change someone's mind if I write truthfully, but the world doesn't work like that. I know, I know.

I wish I could scrapbook. But I don't have my scrapbook (I think I lost it, and all of the hours of work that went into it), any of my scrapbooking stuff, or really any real photos. Ha. Hmmm, if I were really motivated I would track down some of my old photos on my old hard drive or on some of the backed-up CDs and DVDs I have. And to think I'm about to just add to that again when I redo my computer once again. Not to mention the 4 years worth of crap I have to get off my computer at Mom's next week. Can't forget to bring home the DVD burner.

That's enough with the wistful wishing. I do, luckily enough, have another West Wing episode (Sunday night's got posted late) and in a few hours the shows I didn't watch because I was watching other shows will be posted. And as long as there's TV to watch, life's not SO bad. I'll be out of it by tomorrow, but I guess I'll worry about that tomorrow.

I really wish school were over. It's really hard to work up the motivation to go to classes I don't care about when it doesn't even matter if I attend or not.

Sorry for the excruciatingly boring entry, but I guess that describes my life of late. Not that I mind. Plus, it leaves lots of getting-drunk time. Woot.

Scared of sleep?

2006-05-02T01:25:00.000-05:00

I've spent most of the last year, and most of my life for that matter, looking forward to going to sleep. But particularly this last year. I've so looked forward to my 11:30 or 12:30 bedtimes.

The last two weeks I've been dreading sleep, and I have no idea why. Right now, I'm tired, but I'm wound up or something. I don't want to sleep, even though I don't have anything I need or particularly want to do, and I have to work tomorrow. Early. Or not early, if I don't feel like it. (This is the problem with having a job I don't have to go to. Damnit.)

Maybe it's because I haven't been able to get to sleep lately. Except for naps. Naps are okay. And it's the naps either, because it doesn't matter whether I've napped or not. I'm restless or something. Like I need to do something in these next few weeks. I really have a lot going on. I'm not bored. Don't know why I can't sleep. Won't sleep? Don't want to sleep? Grrrrrrrrr.

I do what Laura says

2006-05-02T00:08:00.000-05:00

Laura says that if she's going to link to my blog, I have to actually update my blog. Since the majority of my time these days is spent downloading, burning, and watching TV...oh...and getting drunk...I can probably sqeeze in some regular updates.

I'm done with my bacc and my thesis and all that bullshit...so that's cool. I don't think it's really hit me that I'm leaving this place. This summer is going to be frickin' boring. Well, maybe not. The only person that is actually leaving right after graduation that I hang out with regularly is Laura. Everyone else will still be here. But how I will miss my Monday night coffee dates. I realized when I was driving her home today that I was going to have to miss the next (last) two, as I will be out of town. So we're going to reschedule for another day. Coffee dates are important enough to reschedule.

I had a weird weekend. As Damy was eager to point out, I got drunk 3 out of 4 days. That was the goal, so I guess it's good. Until Damy dragged me out Thursday night I was moping around the house freaking out that I had nothing to do. I feel much better now. I gave the bartender my number on Thursday night, and he called, but by that point I had already lost my phone. On Friday I went to Laura's bacc, and then out to lunch, and showed up to work way late at like 1:30ish. There was a note from my Mom saying that some guy named Bart had my cell phone. I proceeded to call Bart, who attempted to hit on me via my cell phone. He asked for my number. Apparently Bart is not intelligent enough to realize he could've gotten my number off my phone. I did not give it to him. Friday night, I left work and stopped by the condo where this Bart fellow works (I didn't know people were really named Bart) to get my cell phone. I get home, and who pulls into the parking space next to me? No one other than Mr. Michael Gimignani. I'd put his middle name too, but I don't remember it. Something very italian, I think. Apparently he saw my car, and followed me home. Weird. So we sat around and talked for 3ish hours. It was...weird. I haven't seen him once since long before I dropped out of school. That was 2003. He has stopped lying. I got to ask him questions like 'how old are you' and 'how many siblings do you REALLY have'. Quite funny. I gave him a Swiss Missile Crisis (anyone else want one? they're fab, Jeb gave me like 10 of them) and parted...uh...civil?

My weird night continued as Sarah Stamper showed up at the wall. We ended up hanging out all night and talking about all kinds of weird shit, new and old. Turns out her boyfriend has an apartment in the very building in Manhattan that I'm moving into. Weird.

So, it was a productive weekend. I relived three years in one night, and that was tiring, but it's good. Putting all my New College demons to rest, I guess. It's nice to leave things in a peaceful way. I'm glad to be done, but I can still wax nostalgic. (I've been wanting to use that phrase all night!)

I still think this summer's going to suck, though. I wish I didn't have to work. For the first time in my life, working seems like such a frickin' drag.

So there. That's a pretty good update. Right?

2006-03-12T14:06:00.000-06:00

Well, I've stopped journaling in recent months. Completely. I'm not sure why. I began journaling seriously when I was 14 (if you don't count a few middle school stints or my first elementary diaries with the little locks). I don't know why I stopped when I moved back to FL, but I did. So I need to fix that.

My thesis is being mean today. That's making today worse than the usual Sunday. I don't like Sundays because (a) I have to work for 10 hours. And it drags... (b) tomorrow is Monday, and this Monday I have a paper due. But Monday is also my unofficial deadline for doing work on my thesis each week... and finally, (c) the mail doesn't come on Sunday.

So instead of working on my thesis, I've spent the last 4ish hours playing around on MySpace...it's a good time waster, but it's sooooooo slooooooow.

I don't really have anything interesting to say anymore...

Rent

2005-11-27T19:52:00.000-06:00

So, just got back from New York and I don't feel like doing anything but watching Rent again. Which is obviously something I DON'T need to do. I've become very obsessed with it. That always seems to happen to me when I'm feeling down...I get obsessed with fictional characters and fictional worlds. I think that's why I indulge in TV so much. It's a nice way to escape.

I figured out why I like Roger so much...it's not that he's so pretty (although he's fairly pretty), but that in the story he's sad and will never love again, and Mimi is that ONE girl for him, that could make him love again...and every girl wants to be THAT girl. That one girl that can do that for the boy...

Ahh...loneliness sucks...

I'm trying to figure out what to do to cheer me up, but maybe I'll give up and do some economics. It doesn't really matter whether I do it or not.

Choices, choices!

2005-10-28T00:33:00.000-05:00

So I've been in a bizarrely good mood for days. I couldn't get anything done during my hurricane break. It was weird--I didn't need to be anywhere. I couldn't deal with that, so I didn't do anything. Except at the end I finally cleaned my room, so that was good.

Then, the day after the hurricane (day of? the afternoon...) it was 65 degrees out, sunny, and absolutely gorgeous. It's been like that for 3 days now, although I'm guessing tomorrow will probably be back to hot (yuck). With the sudden drop in temperature from 90 to 60, everything has felt very surreal. But I've also been really happy and excited. I LOVE cool weather.

Not to mention, I was having a lot of fun bragging (just a little) about my LSAT scores at school. It's really cool to be recruited by law schools. Since I never went to high school I've never been recruited before. It's nifty. Maybe it's childish, but whatever, I'm enjoying it.

My list of law schools that I'm even considering applying to is 15. Several of them I think are pretty much out. 5 of them I'm not sure about joint degrees...the other 10 definitely have either an MPH or MPP program. I know I'm definitely applying to Georgetown and to Boston University (as my backup). The more I look at it, the more I like Columbia. They actually require pro-bono work of their students, they have a generous loan forgiveness program, and they have an extensive study abroad program. I was always kinda bummed that I missed out on studying abroad during undergrad, so it'd be way nifty if I could do it during law school. I didn't realize that was even a possibility until today.

So yeah, there's a lot going on. I feel pretty good about life though. I wrote two pages of my thesis intro yesterday, and I have at least one more page to write before I turn in my latest version on Monday. So yay for that.

I'm off to read a bit more before bed. 'Night.

Chicago Marathon

2005-10-09T17:20:00.000-05:00

When I went in the break room for brunch today, the Weather Channel was on and they were showing Kermit running in the Chicago Marathon. My ears perked up. Chicago Marathon, I thought, but that just happened. A few months ago, no more. After pondering the strangeness of this for several more minutes, it finally hit me that it had been an entire year since the last Chicago Marathon. Wow, how strange, an annual marathon that happens once a year.

A year ago, I was headed to Iowa to canvass for Kerry. But, we didn't have enough cars. that was the week that Berck had left my car at my apartment, so I had the not-so-brilliant idea of volunteering to drive. So, another volunteer in another car (not his) and I set off to go back to my apartment. Over an hour later we were still stuck on Lake Shore Drive and could not for the life of us figure out how to get west to my apartment. We finally were almost there when Nate, the volunteer coordinator, called and said to come pick him up, we were leaving, we had enough cars. He ended up walking to a place where we could pick him up, as we couldn't figure out how to get to him. They seriously had shut down over half the city...it was completely crazy.

Lauren, a gal I worked with, ran in that marathon. She taught me about this stuff you have to put on your thighs ('AstroGlide' or something) so that your shorts don't cause your legs to bleed from the swooshing. Geez. Perhaps that's a sign that you shouldn't be running that far.

Eh, well, I'm pretty pissed off at myself for messing up my fall break and not going to fall break like I had promised myself. Maybe I can figure out how to go over a weekend. I could go up on a thursday afternoon until monday morning if I could get 2 days off work and be free of the Catalyst. (I'd still be there to finalize on Monday evening.) I'd have to do it soon, though, because it's going to get cold. Very soon.

I always mess up my vacations. I really had good intentions on this one. I had talked to Noell, gotten the days off work, and given the dates to my grandfather to make reservations. It would've been perfect other than the slightly problem that they were the WRONG days. Ooops. Gotta love being a dumb butt.

Oh well, I'm really enjoying my low-committment break. Plus, it gives me a chance to catch up on work and put in enough hours at my job to make a little bit of money. And that's always nice.

Well, I have another half hour around this place. I'm bored to death. I worked until about 3ish, and then since then I've just been messing around. I bought a DVD player and some RAM for my computer. (The DVD player I bought with a gift certificate...the RAM I just couldn't resist buying once I found it and realized how cheap it was.)

Then...I can go home and veg out. Oh, too bad, Damy's out of town. In Phoenix with the boy. But whatever, I can watch Gilmore Girls and read econ philosphers or do whatever else I want to do.

Welll, I'll probably scadaddle in about 15ish minutes. No point waiting until 7 when there's nothing going on.

Time to end this blase entry...later...

Existance

2005-10-02T16:02:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up and I finally remembered what it was like to be happy to be alive. It's a pretty cool feeling, not surprisingly. On the drive to work, I noticed that it was sunny, and not just that the sun was in my eyes. I had forgotten that I love the sun, and I'm always happy when it's sunny. It's beautiful out today. It's probably been beautiful out every day, but I'd never noticed.

For the last few weeks, I'd started to feel like I didn't actually exist. I was passing by my kitchen, and realized I hadn't cleaned it in weeks. Then I remembered that I hadn't dirtied more than a few glasses in weeks.

Not doing anything social does that to a person. When your only human interaction comes at work or in one of your many required activities.

A few days ago, a car passed me that said "honk if you don't exist." I'm absolutely sure that it was mocking me.

It's amazing how much good it can do you to get something like the LSAT behind you. After I took the test yesterday, I went home and slept for 3 hours. I got up, worked on my midterm and then my thesis and then went back to sleep. I got almost 12 hours of sleep last night, and woke up feeling well-rested for the first time since school began, probably.

It's great that I feel this good because I have a helluva week ahead of me. I have a midterm tomorrow, the beginning of my lit review for my thesis due on Tuesday, and my take-home midterm (10 pg essay) due on Friday. Then I'm FREE! No Catalyst, no school, no nothing. Except for work. But that's almost nothing. ;)

I truly can't believe that half the semester is over. A member just asked me 5 minutes ago if school had started back. Ha.

New College, you moved on without me!

2005-09-09T00:24:00.000-05:00

New College moved on without us. That's what Laura and I have decided. It used to be OUR school. We knew everyone, and everyone we didn't know knew us.

Now we're strangers in a place that's supposed to be ours. I mean, we're still students. This was supposed to be our heyday. We're thesis students for god sakes. But no, we don't know this place anymore.

It's funny, though, because I see these kids and they do these things and they use these words, and they have no idea why. But I do. I know where they came from. I remember.

I love my institutional memory...it's long...but there's no one to pass it on to .

And I miss people. My people. No one in particular. No one more than the others, I just miss them collectively. I miss the school that was mine, say, my second year or so. I want those people back.

So Laura and I are going to start the "we used to be cool" crew and sit on the bench. Ha.

I know it sounds pathethic, but I feel a little empty these days, now that I don't have a "partner." Perhaps I need something besides work and productivity. I never want to sleep because I feel like there's something I could be doing that would be...like...fun...or something.

But alas. Gotta sleep. Gotta be at work at 9 tomorrow. This weekend and next weekend are the last two weekends that I don't have to be at work at 9am on Saturday and Sunday. Better enjoy it.

2005-09-03T12:10:00.000-05:00

You know, god forbid I let my life get too stable. I'm not sure why not--I like stable. I like boring. It gives you time to try other things. Better than a life of needless drama.

But no, I have to upset my perfectly stable, calm life.

Not to mention, instead of moving forward, I'm moving backwards. Or, perhaps, in circles. I'm back where I was three (four?) years ago. Of course, I'm not really back, because it's completely different and all. And I'm not really "there" as much as I was visiting. But now my mind's stuck there again. How could I have possibly thought this would be better?

Now instead of being content, supported, and happy...I'm tired, slighly hungover, and more confused than ever.

I suppose my perennial problem is that I'm always trying to skip some stage of my life. (Was that repetitive...perennial...always?) I think the unfortunate truth is that I have to live through certain things, and try certain things, and fail at certain things. And then I get the knowledge--not now. All I need is time...

Ha, and you know how patient I am.

2005-07-04T09:46:00.000-05:00

As usual, I'm disappointed that we have brushed over American history and painted a ridiculously simplified picture. I have been reading snippets of "What the Anti-Federalists Were For," a book that Berck sent me sometime before. This is not the first time recently that I have thought about the original Confederation of States. How quickly we brush that over now. The American constitution and the principles of American government that we praise so highly today...we treat them as if they were handed down by God, and all the Americans did was write these "self-evident truths" on a sheet of paper after the revolution...thereby securing the first democracy. (Err...republic). American History classes brush right over the Confederation, quickly mentioning that it happened, and then moving right along as if it is embarrassing that we once had a different governmental structure. God forbid anyone realize that the constitution was created through a process of lengthy debate, that it was not some automatic creation where the principles were obvious to everyone and just needed to be written down to secure the governmental structure.

If we are to assume that the constitution has been (at least moderately) successful, then why do we brush over the intricate debate that created it? Instead of celebrating and replicating this open discussion, we hide that it ever happened.

It reminds me of the fact that when they created the bible, they debated and argued over what gospels should and shouldn't be in it. That the structure that the bible takes, even today, is completely dependent on a few people and their personal opinions and motivations.

Once again, this is something that we (or Christians) don't talk about. I'm not sure what it is in our mentality that we want to believe that all our great documents contain immutable truths that could not possibly be arranged or different than they are. Why is it wrong to honor not just the brilliance of the ideas contained in the documents but also the process that the ideas came out of?

Of course, the funny thing about the Anti-federalists is that they were the federalists. They wanted the country to remain a confederation. It's interesting, because one party or another has been in favor of more state rights throughout the history of America. Basically, that's been whatever party has controlled the South. This isn't surprising as the South has always been marginalized by the federal government. It used to be that the Republicans were in favor of a strong national government, and the Dems were the ones crying "state rights!" Now that the Rs control the South, they have usurped the "state rights" battle call.

Although usually I am all for a strong federal government, as it is necessary for a strong welfare state, I can't help but wonder if the Anti-federalists were right. After all, it was the South that suffered from being part of the same country as the North. It seems like these days we all identify with the national government, and just bitch about the oddities of each state government. States have different taxes, different driver's license and tag rules, different rules about smoking...all these little annoying regulatory things. It seems like where states do disagree, the federal gov't jumps in and takes over. For example, I personally think that the drinking age is a riduculous example of trampling state rights through manipulation of money. But, despite all of this state rights bullshit, I think when it comes down to it I don't trust Texas to provide health care to their citizens. Because they've proven that they won't.

2005-07-03T23:56:00.000-05:00

I've been in a paralysis for days. I come out of it to work, and then I come home and zombie out again. And if I start thinking or talking I immediately start crying. It's been a long time since I've been this miserable. Even Chicago winter was never anywhere near this bad.

I can't make myself do anything, so I figured I'd try to write. I spent nine and a half consecutive hours watching Gilmore Girls. And now I'm out, and that's probably the only reason I stopped. I should go to bed, but I'm not tired, even though I should be. I only got 4ish hours of sleep last night.

Being here is so miserable, so I work myself to death instead. Tommorrow I work at the yacht club from 9-5 and then I've gotta be at Chili's at 5:30. Won't be done until at least 10. Then dinner at Chili's on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm training as a server at the Yacht Club on Thursday. Friday is my ten hour day at the yacht club. At least when I'm working I'm sort of immune, albeit temporarily, from the misery.

When I'm home it just sinks in, and everything makes me sad. If I'm not watching TV I'm staring off into space. Sometimes I try to remember if I actually really had friends at one point, and then try to figure out why I have none here and now. It's been a long time since I've been this desperate to hang out with someone...but no one has come through for me. And then that makes me wonder if Sean was right and there IS something wrong with me. Something that repels people. And I wonder if all these people that I had casual relationships with, that I thought bordered on friends, if they even like me at all. And above it all, I just feel so damn pathetic. I feel like a whiny baby. I AM a whiney baby. I'm so alone. I've never been this alone. Ever. I come home to this big, empty apartment, and I wonder if I'll ever get it even passably clean. I don't eat anymore. I eat free food when given, but have ceased to consume dinner. I don't feel like cooking. Not for just me. It's too sad. And my kitchen smells like raid anyway. I can't kill the ants. They won't go away.

At least the kitchen is spotless. I cleaned for hours. But the trash can is dirty at the bottom. I need a hose. But...I live in an apartment and am hence hoseless.

And I wonder how many days until I'm carless. I feel like I'm stuck in mud. This problem isn't getting fixed. The car will disappear. AND Baby Ruthe is going to starve if she doesn't eat more food. She's eaten half a bowl since Tuesday. That's almost a week.

I wish I felt more creative. I wish I had a drive to create. I just feel empty. Like an empty shell. Like, my body's still here but my mind was supposed to go on vacation but I didn't get the note so my mind's stuck here alone. This isn't a life.

I had forgotten how closely emotional pain can resemble the physical pain. I've been through some pretty bad physical pain this month, and I can honestly say that the emotional pain is pretty bad. The only good thing is that I'm more likely to fall asleep than be kept awake by that sort of pain. But if I AM kept awake, it's pretty much just as miserable.

I wonder whether anyone has ever read this blog ever. Why do I keep a blog? To ramble on about dumb shit, when no one actually cares to read it? I hate that I'm that self-centered and attention loving. I hate hate hate hate hate that.

But I'll to work and pretend to be a whole person, a complete person, until they try to talk to me about what I do for fun, or my friends, or a life at all, and then I shut down and babble because I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. I can talk about all the shitty things in my life, but can't name one friend I hang out with in town. You know, more than once in the last year.

There's so much I need to accomplish this summer. Watching Gilmore Girls and staring at the ceiling are not on the list. I'm going to feel even worse if the summer ends and I'm in the same place as when it started.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

2005-06-02T14:41:00.000-05:00

I decided that I should blog about my ongoing experience in setting up Linux on my computer. Because, well, I don't know, maybe some kind soul will show up with some suggestions. But, more importantly, I stumbled across many blogs about Linux, and some of them were the most helpful things in setting up my computer. So, who knows, maybe this could be slightly useful to someone else.

The computer of which I speak is an older Sony Vaio PCG-FX215. It has serious issues. My dear brother bought the Vaio when he went away to college in 2001. 2 and 1/2 years later, he was in Europe and he crashed the system. Since none of his computer-literate family members were readily available, the laptop collected dust for six months until he returned home a the end of the semester. His girlfriend bought him an iBook, and he said I could have the Vaio if I could get his data off, which I did.

Immediately, I went to install Windows XP and the computer crashed. It would just randomly power off in the middle of installation. I took me a full day before I finally made it through the entire installation process without it powering off. Things were a little better once XP was installed. Instead of powering off, the computer now froze up--which really wasn't any better as it left me with no option but to reboot. Nothing worked but the power button. I somehow managed to live with this until 6 months, when things had become to corrupted over time that I reformated and reinstalled XP. I had the same problem with the comptuer powering down during installion, but once installed, a magical thing happened--it stopped freezing. It froze maybe 3 times in many months.

Fast forward to a few days ago, when I got a new harddrive, thanks to my other wonderful brother. I installed it on my computer, and proceeded to set my computer up to dual-boot Windows XP and Debian. As soon as I began the installation process, my computer resumed its earlier habits of random power-offs. At long last I got through both Windows and Linux installations, but the random power-offs have not stopped.

So here's a few other clues to my main makes-me-want-shoot-myself-in-the-head problem. After powering off, I cannot turn it on for a few minutes. (Pressing the power button turns on the lights, but they immediately turn off). It *seems* to power off more during very CPU- and HDD-intensive processes. If I leave it turned off for long periods of time, it seems to act a little better.

The only thing I can think of is that it gets overheated, but I don't know why it would've worked, ever, and also why sometimes it turns off again right after being booted up. So, the mystery remains.

I'll write more about Linux installation soon.

summer in the city

2005-05-06T00:22:00.000-05:00

The strange thing is that Chicago all seems like a dream to me now. It sounds cliche, but it feels weird looking back at it. It all seems to far from here and now. Too far to actually be possible.

The later part, the part where I lived downtown, that part seems real still. But the part where I lived at 2321 North Ave seems strange and dream-like. I actually lived that? I ask. And I remember it all, clearly even, but sometimes I feel like I'm watching someone else's life.

Those are the parts that I cherish though. The trying out every resturant at the Milwaukee/North/Damon "6 Corners". "The intersection" Mike would say. "Which intersection?" I'd respond. "THE intersection". The fact that it was only THE intersection to us didn't seem to bother Mike too much. He used to make me walk on the inside, where he'd walk on the outside, nearest to the street. The only other time I've heard of that is the secret service agents in West Wing. There were so many amazing resturants RIGHT there. Here, we struggle to find one each week that is worth returning to. I never had that problem in Chicago. There were so many places I wouldn't mind returning to again and again, and so many places that I still hadn't tried.

God, city life was so intoxicating. "Summer, in the city, in the city...back of our necks getting dirt and sweaty...cool cat, looking for a penny, gonna look in every corner of the city...but come night it's a different place, go out and find a girl, come on come on let's dance all night in the summer, in the city, in the summer, in the city." Ahh. Yesh. Hanging out on the roof. You know, it's not even necessarily that I did that many exciting things. It was just the feeling and the excitement. Looking out from the bus window and just being in awe of the city I lived in. God, I miss it. I miss it so much. I miss the energy, and the fact that everyone wanted to be outdoors in the summer. They were so excited that they COULD be outside. The lack of air conditioning. Sleeping in as little clothes as possible, and then arranging yourself so that as little of your skin as possible touched the bed. Opneing the window and wishing, wishing that the wind would blow in.

Sleep at Josh's because he had a fan. Not even in the bedroom, but in the kitchen adjacent to the bedroom. Anything was better than my apartment with the heat and the crazy cat that would attack me and run out my window and jump on the roof. She'd just hang out on the neighbor's roof. There's an urban cat for you. She'd jump from roof to roof...window to roof...porch to roof. And then she'd bite you. Because she was crazy like that. We made friends, though, and I missed her when she was gone.

I miss it. I've gotta get back there some day. One day. To the city. I love it. I miss it. Screw the snow. It'll be okay.

2005-04-28T01:09:00.000-05:00

I'm in one of those late night crazy creative moods where I want to listen to passionate music and sit around and talk and feel and argue about life. When was the last time I sat around and debated life itself? It's that kind of thing that makes me feel old. They say that at some point idealism and philosophical discussions give way to practical considerations. It's funny because my major in a way is about concrete doings. Public Policy. How to create legislation. The history of said legislation. Where policies come from. I find it very interesting, but in a way it seems representative of my current life. Not that I mind my current life, because I'm very happy with it, just sometimes I get in moods like these and I want to sit outside and smoke cigarettes and discuss the world as it is and as it could be. These moods come around less and less than they used to. Also, the 'I Wanna go do something!' mood hardly rears its ugly head either. I don't know what that means. Maybe just that I'm content, but then sometimes I wonder if I ever should be content with what I have, or if I should always try to make it better. See, it's these kinds of thoughts. This is where I miss the palm court of another day, where someone was always sitting, no matter what time of night, where I could just show up and bullshit, or philosophize or whatever. I need an all night lounge. At the same time, I'm tired and should go to bed. I feel so old, and people keep telling me that I shouldn't. I need some way to reconsile the age in my head with that of my body. To want to be 20, that'd be okay too. But I'm just not. And people who say I am don't know. Or see what they want to believe, and I don't know what to believe. It's all very confusing. Sometimes I feel like a million people, and right now, I'm just one of them, but I could be any other.

I need to remember that my life is in my control and I need to do what I want to do. Last time I forgot that I had to leave school, so I best not forget it again. My life. My life. My choice.

Honestly, a journal is no substitute for someone to philosophize with, I'm afraid. Ugh, I miss all my friends of years' past. I need to keep them closer. But sometimes I just suck at that.

Well, I'm off to do something else, whatever that may be...

drugs or jesus

2005-04-27T22:48:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...what should I do now?

So, I had to finish my take-home exam, and I was mad, because I fell asleep earlier and didn't work on my take-home...but then I finished it within like an hour after making a yummy dinner for Sean and I. That was fast. Then I hung out with Sean, and now he's in bed, and now I don't know what I want to work on.

Okay, it sounds really hokey, but this song just came on LaunchCast by Tim McGraw...drugs or jesus...and I really like it. "In my home town, it's still black and white...it's a long way between wrong and right...the road to drugs or jesus." It sounds dumb, but anyone who has lived in a small town can vouch that that's a perfect description. The song would be better if he didn't go off a little religiously at the end, but I still like it. It reminds me of every small town I've ever lived in...everyone's a Christian or a druggie. Ahh. So true.

Anyway, I should probably stop writing and start doing something useful, because it's near the end of the semester and I've gotta get a move on. But I don't know what I want to do. My reading probably won't take too long, but if I do it first, then I'll probably just go right to bed when I'm finished. So I should probably work on one of my four papers. Thing is, I don't really feel like it. Grrr. Wednesday is my big work day, and I got very little accomplished, so that's not good. Ooh, maybe I'll look at jobs. That's productive. Except that this time I need to actually apply for them, unlike last time.

I'm hoping to get a real job this time. Like, one that's not in food service. One that actually utilizes my skills, which, as it turns out, aren't in the food industry, really. Besides, I don't feel like hanging out with a bunch of druggie servers and managers anymore. I'd rather hang out with boring old people. Because I'm a boring young person. Anyway, I'm gonna go look at jobs.

Killer Pics

2005-04-13T23:18:00.000-05:00

So, I said I would post Killer pics, so I finally got around to it. I just took these killer Killer pics (hehe) the other day...enjoy!

Momentarily peaceful...check out his insane coloring.

That is killer standing straight up on his back feet...

There's the killer that he is!

Awww...

He loves jumping up on my leg; which is fine, as long as he doesn't scratch it.

There's a good stretch...

Now he's got it! (I'm so glad that he'll play with this toy by himself).

Killer eyeing his favorite toy

Vera Bradley

2005-04-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

You should all check out my Dad/my site at http://www.precisionconsultancy.net and buy some Vera Bradley.

Just a thought. Support my livelyhood. Some of it is even nice, if a little overpriced. (But this is WAY under retail, so it's a good price for what it is!)

Schiavo, belated

2005-04-13T22:59:00.000-05:00

It's rather belated, but I wanted to post a commentary piece I wrote about Terri Schiavo after visiting her hospice the day before her death.

Here goes:

In their coverage of the Terri Schiavo case, the media have wasted an opportunity to explore complicated emotional, legal and ethical issues with the American public. Instead, they have insisted on continually framing the issues as an “Us-versus-Them” fight between Schiavo’s husband and parents, with the American public standing behind one or the other.
Indeed, if the American public is divided so neatly, it is certainly due to the media’s over-simplification of the complicated issues at hand. Americans would have benefited from an open-ended discussion of the complexities involved, instead of the continual two-sided rhetoric evident in headlines such as “Autopsy issues just part of a day of sparring.” The same St. Petersburg Times article used frequent ‘war analogies’ such as “the public relations battle” and “the sparring continued.”
To begin with, the media neglected an opportunity to discuss the devastating consequences of bulimia, the eating disorder which is thought to have led to the stoppage of Schiavo’s heart and her subsequent brain damage. Schiavo’s husband, Michael, successfully sued her physician for failing to detect a potassium deficiency, a symptom of her disease. Why wasn’t our body-image-conscious community able to recognize and prevent the initial tragedy? Terri Schiavo was a married adult, not a high school teenager. The media missed an opportunity to raise awareness about the serious consequences of bulimia and the wide range of individuals it affects.
A March 27 Associated Press article summing up the day’s news mentioned that Schiavo’s heart was thought to have stopped due to a chemical imbalance, but failed to mention that an eating disorder caused the imbalance.
Another important issue at stake is the classification of an feeding tube as an “extraordinary” measure, equivalent to a respirator. Is providing nourishment equivalent to helping an individual to breathe? Supporters of Schiavo’s parents would say no: providing “food and water” is a basic right. But it is important to remember that a feeding tube is inserted into the stomach; it is not as if Schiavo were capable of eating an apple and drinking a Coke.
The classification is important in the framing of the legal battle: if Schiavo said “no tubes for me” as her husband claims, did she consider nourishment a natural right or just another tube that she did not want? Indeed, this classification affects many living wills, which are generally framed in terms of extraordinary measures. The term “extraordinary measures,” it seems, is not universally agreed upon: Do living wills need to be more specific, or can you count on your legal guardian to represent your views accurately?
Is it appropriate to consider opinions other than those of an individual’s legal guardian, as was done in the appeal cases of Schiavo’s parents? Perhaps it is important to hear all sides of a story, from everyone who knows the life at stake. But that is not how our legal system is currently set up. Under our current laws, Schiavo would have had no reason to doubt that her spouse would carry out decisions as he saw fit. Individuals do have the choice of appointing another individual as their guardian in medical decisions.
And last but certainly not least, what about the fact that the U.S. Congress overrode the authority of the courts in the case of one particular individual? Are we to assume that special people get to have special laws? What happened to the part in our constitution where all people are created equal? Then again, maybe unique circumstances deserve to be considered separately—who am I to say?
The Associated Press article discussed a federal circuit court ruling without mentioning that this was made possible only due to the law passed by the U.S. Congress moving the case into their jurisdiction.
This is just a sampling of issues that deserved to be discussed in the context of Schiavo’s life, and now in the context of her death. This is not to say that all journalists neglected these issues; just that when they were mentioned, they tended to be submerged far below the narrative of a legal battle and a fight for life or death.
The Associated Press article failed to discuss any issue highlighted here, mentioning only the argument over Schiavo’s consciousness. This article, like a March 28 New York Times article, continually framed the issues in the same over-simplified rhetoric used by the families, lawyers and protesters. The same New York Times article used a plethora of phrases like “part of an increasingly emotional war,” and addressed only the degree of consciousness according to experts and family, once again failing to mention a single issue discussed here.
I would like to believe that Americans have the capacity to discuss complex issues that might make everyone a little uncomfortable. I would like to believe that Americans can discuss issues without needing it to be framed in a two-sided war that makes for easy side-choosing. I just wish we’d been given the chance.

not too tired

2005-03-28T22:07:00.000-06:00

I'm not as tired as I should be. It's 11, which isn't too late, but I didn't get to sleep until way after 6 am last night (which also isn't as bad as it sounds, because I got to sleep until noonish). Either way, I'm done with my reading for tomorrow (there's not much of it, honestly...Tuesdays are a light day), and I'm not ready for bed. Granted, I still have a few more things to do pre-bed. I must go down and ready my coffee, and while I'm doing such, I might as well have some ice cream :) Then, I'll probably take a shower so I can actually make it to class somewhere near on-time tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I have not been able to get to sleep lately. So, I need to push myself to do Thursday's readings if I can't sleep so I can work some on my paper on Wednesday. Or, maybe, I should do reading for my papers. Either way.

It's too bad Killer (my new cat) was not good last night, because now we have to shut him out of our room, and I hate doing that. He's so sweet and loving that it's a lot of fun to have him around. We spent the better part of the evening downstairs, though, and he enjoyed that and following us around and such. Oh, and I still need to give him his meds...must not forget that! Poor thing is going to think I only come to find him when I want to poke and prod him. He doesn't seem to mind too much, between the pills, eye cream, etc. He's a good little cat.

Once Sean posts the pictures he's taken, making I'll post a few here. I never post photos on my blog. Hmm.

skewer

2005-03-21T00:34:00.000-06:00

Sometimes it seems that those who love you have a skewer straight through your various bodily organs. That means it doesn't hurt most of the time, but all they have to do is to turn it just ever so slightly to cause you immense, horrid pain.

Thanks.

Sometimes I wish I was skewer-less, but I'm not willing to give up on the skewer, either. There's no good way out, but sometimes it doesn't seem like there's any good in either. Gr.

Relationships

2005-03-11T23:16:00.000-06:00

You know, I think I always sort of assumed that I could do a better job with relationships than all the people I witnessed around me. Now, first off, I have to say that for most of the people in relationships around me, I frequently thought they shouldn't be together in the first place, and that that was the source of all troubles. Eventually, these couples generally broke up. In fact, it seems that the couples that never seem to have any problems whatsoever are the only ones to stay together. They must have problems.

And point being, I always figured that being the open and honest person I am, I would be able to make a relationship work. Just like that. It's simple really, I figured. It's all about communication. Right? Isn't that what they always say?

When I told people Sean and I were moving in together, I always said that I knew it was going to be hard, and we were prepared.

As it turns out, it's really hard, and I don't know how prepared I am.

I knew that knowing yourself and blah blah was important going into a relationship, but I'm not sure if I knew why. As it turns out, in the process of working things out in a relationship, you learn a lot of things about yourself...many of which you never really wanted to know. You see, the person I'd always imagined I'd be in a long-term relationship is not always the person I am.

On the other hand, the person I want to be in life in general is not always the person I am, so we most make allowances for, shall we say, self actualization. The process. I have to believe I'm on my way, you know?

I guess the difference between being who I went to be in life in general and who I want to be relationship-wise is that I can sometimes be blind to the former, but Sean prevents me from being blind in the latter. Although this is probably good in the long run, in the short run it's like an emotional whirlwind. I never knew that I was this person, and I don't want to be this person. Maybe I could've been happy in eternal oblivion? Okay, so I guess the chances are slim.

But it's weird to learn things about myself, and then wonder and question why they are so. I feel like if I am to discover new things about myself, then I should immediately know why they are so, right? I mean, don't I know myself? Haven't I been through enough therapy and internal examination? So why is this different?

I'm not sure if awareness of common relationship pit falls is sufficient to avoid them. It's the 'necessary but not sufficient' kind of thing that sociology is so aware of. So, in knowing that living together, money, blah blah blah are common pitfalls, I haven't been able to avoid them completely. Damn them. Damn them all.

So yeah, I guess it's a learning experience. It really is. A hard one. I just never really expected to be learning about me.

Ughy Ughy

2005-03-09T22:44:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in so long. I want to write again.

Tonight's a strange night. I didn't get up until almost 4 today, so it should feel early (it's not quite midnight). But, on the other hand, Sean's already in bed, and that makes it feel late. I feel sort of fuzzy and strange.

Yesterday I had this good-bad day thing going on. I felt awful when I woke up, as I couldn't get to sleep the night before. I was almost 20 minutes late to class, so I felt pretty stupid about that, too. Then, in my 2nd class I got an evaluation for leading discussion with my group of 3, and I felt the whole page-long evaluation was way too focused on the fact that I led too much, and I felt stupid and angry. So then, my prof split us up into groups to discuss the four chapters we read and summarize them for the class. I chose my group based on my desire to not move. I decided I wouldn't participate, since I already participate too much. After almost 10 minutes of just sitting there and nodding and agreeing to write our summary, I realized this strategy wasn't going to work: the other two members of my group had no clue what the article was about. So, I explained it to them.

I went home for lunch, and wished I had a microwave. Warming up leftover chinese food in a toaster oven is just not so cool, and the plate gets too hot.

At 2, I went to the counseling and wellness center, beucase I had this appt. I was trying to get a prescription for a sleep study, and I had called them, and they said Anne might could help me, and set up an appt. When I came in, Anne said that she had no idea why they had sent me to get, that she can't write prescriptions, and she thought it sounded strange that I just wanted to get a sleep study done, out of the blue like that. I explained that my dad had been treating me for a long time. She said 'why do you get him to write a prescription?'. I told her she lost his medical lisence, and she just kinda looked at me. I felt dumb. I wanted to jump in and say 'listen, my dad might be a crappy human being, but he's a good doctor...don't look at me that way.' after that, my eyes started to tear up, and when I realize I could barely contain it anymore, I left.

I started crying in my car. I don't know why. I cried all the way home, and then went upstairs, and curled up in my bed, and cried some more.

I was still in a bad mood when Sean got home. Newspaper cheered me up a little bit, but no one was supportive of my story idea, even though I felt like everyone had liked it the previous Friday. I felt dumb again.

Finally, when I got home, my day looked up. I had two pieces of mail. One was my reimbursement check from Americorps that I had been waiting for for forever, and the other was from First Financial Bank. I assumed that it was a credit card denial (that's all I ever get), but lo and behold, it was an acceptance! I was so excited I Read the whole letter outloud to Sean, and he laughed at me. It's only got a $150 credit line, but considering my awful credit, anything is great, and you can work to get up. So even though I never wanted a credit card before, I'm excited.

The day got worse again at the end, for no particular reason. I guess credit cards can't completely stave off a bad mood. I couldn't get to sleep, for the second night in a room, and that's why I ended up sleeping until 3:30 today. The Public Affairs guy called me to set up an interview, but not that I'm not doing my story, I don't want to call him back. I should, though, because it's rude not to. Hopefully I can call tomorrow and he won't be there. I'm glad I'm not writing a story this week. It's nice. I've already written 5 stories in the last 4 weeks.

I'm frustrated tonight because I don't feel like doing any work. Since I don't really have anything that I have to do, it's pretty easy to get away with not doing any work...but I had hoped to get started on narrowing down my sources for my papers or whatnot. Oh well, maybe I still can. I had such valient hopes of getting so much accomplished today, but all of that kinda went kapoot after I didn't get up all day. I don't really feel like going to class tomorrow. It's okay, I know it will be over soon, and then I can come home and do something productive, like rearrange my drawers, which I'm sorta excited about, and hope works okay. I'm such a dork.

Alright, I'm off. I really am going to try to keep up on the writing thing now. I need to for my own self-preservation. It's good for me. Just gotta keep that in mind.

Moving, take 5

2005-01-09T20:17:00.000-06:00

No one should ever move more than once, or twice at most, a year. This move will be my fourth this year, and fifth in about fifteen months. Bleh. That's all I have to say to that.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, but not about packing up my stuff and actually moving. I know that will go okay. I've done it so many times at this point, that I know it'll work alright. It always does, and since I moved like two months ago, everything is still in pretty good order. Not TOO messy yet. Other than as a result of the stupid flood. No, what I'm worried about is finishing up everything at work. There's so much I want to finish, and there's only so much I can do in the remaining 10 work days. Maybe I should've gone into work one day this weekend. Oh well, I got a decent amount of work done anyway, including making the subpage template and writing up my accomplishments. I also need to make sure I have copies of everything I did while I was there...both on CD and in paper. My "portfolio". My Maryland stuff is actually up there, too. Gotta get all that.

Bleh bleh bleh. I really want more ice cream. But I already had some. I might just have some more, but I'll have to get some packing accomplished first. WB is showing 'There's Something About Mary'. Seems kinda strange when you think about, considering the main audience of WB is teens and teenyboppers, yet 'Something about mary' is definitely rated R. Oh well, I guess I saw it in middle school. Maybe it's not too bad after all. I watched it with Dad, of all weird things, when I was 14. That was when I was living with Mom at Grandma Ida's house, and I'd spend all weekend with Dad, watching movie after movie. We created a whole long ass list of movies we wanted to see, based on various different factors, and then worked our way through it week by week. What a weird time in my life.

The fact that Noell's not home yet makes me guess that she may not be coming home tonight. I hope she does, though, as she has to work early in the morning, and it seems silly to waste a cab fare in the morning. Especially if that's all the money she'll make being there, lol. Plus, I want my Noellie home, as usual! Okay, off to go pack and reward myself with some ice cream...

People weren't meant to live in the cold

2004-12-21T01:12:00.000-06:00

As I was sitting on the bus after waiting in the cold today, my nose was running and running and I was thinking, 'people shouldn't be in this kind of cold'. My body doesn't like it! The wind was gusting up to 30 mph today, and so even though it was 20 degrees out, it felt like 5, according to the Weather Channel. Jenny had told me that when the wind was bad enough, you could actually lean back into it. I didn't believe her until today. The wind wasn't quite that bad, but it would cause me to sort of sway when I wasn't braced for the gusts. I'd roll back on my heels.

People were not meant to live in this sort of cold.

It's a balmy 45 or 50 degrees inside our office. That's right--INSIDE our office. I worked most of the day with my coat either on, or over my legs, and Meghan was typing with gloves on. I said 'can you actually type while wearing gloves?' and she said 'well, I've been working at the Campaign for many a winter'. Ahhh...yea for being broke.

I have this horrible craving to IM Dann, who haven't talked to in a long time. I didn't really get a chance to talk to him last time I was in Florida. He keeps changing his away message. I just could use a good Dann talk. We used to talk. Ugh.

I don't think Sean's going to be home before I want to go to bed. I told him to call me when he gets home, but I'm getting tired.

I need to clip my fingernails...they hurt.

10?

2004-12-19T20:30:00.000-06:00

It's 10 degrees outside. Due to windchill, it feels like -4 degrees. I'm not going outside. I need milk and toilet paper, among other things, but I refuse to go outside, and have refused all day. Got home at 11 o'clock last night, knew I would be going out again until I had to go to work tomorrow morning.

I wonder how much stock you should put in dreams? They're interesting, and I often find that what I'm thinking in a dream is what I'm actually thinking for real, but won't let myself feel. Sometimes (mostly) they're just gibberish, but even the gibberish has to do with what's on the forefront (and sometimes, the back buner as well) of my mind. There's lots of theories as to why we need dreams, or if we even need dreams. We know we need REM sleep, and that's when dreams happen, but no one knows if the dreams are necessary. Plus, you're not supposed to remember your dreams. At least, not on a regular basis such as me. So what the hell is the point of making up stories in your sleep that you never remember? So bizarre, really.

Last night I had a bizarre 'what if' dream...except it was my roomate's 'what if', not mine. Somehow (the word with which most dream description seems to start with) I came into contact with the parallel universe version of my roomate, where she had not moved to Chicago. She was somehow living both lives simultaneously, but was by this point two completely different people with different experiences and life goals. I wondered which one would prevail as "the Noell", the final version. I didn't know in the dream, and I worried that it wouldn't be "my Noell", but the other one. That Noell was fine, too, but we didn't have this time together. Even though she seemed equally happy in the other life, I wanted MY Noell. Bizarre, really.

Yesterday Mike Vanderbilt IM'd me. I have to think hard about what Mike Vandy's last name really is, because it's not Vanderbilt. My Mom nicknamed him that near the time that she also nicknamed Mike Cruise and Mike Gimmi. It's probably been three years since the last time I talked to Mike V. I really wasn't sure why he IM'd me. We don't have anything in common--we never have. I don't remember why I ever began hanging out with the guy in the first place, really. We talked for a bit about the past, present, and future. He was finishing the undergraduate phase of his perfectly planned, cookie-cutter life. Not that not finishing this phase now and in this way was ever an option. I think I find it interesting to talk to him, as he lives in such a very different world than I. My hope is and has always been that when he talks to me he actually takes the time to think about something he normally just accepts as-is. I don't know whether I achieve or have ever achieved that, but I like to think so. We were discussing the fact that when we met he was so innocent, while I was in many ways much older and scheming, and that intrigued him. It probably didn't hurt that I was a hot 16-year-old. He really just amuses me.

I was dicussing my 'scheming' nature with Sean. I think the most interesting part of the fact that I am rather scheming is that I am almost always completely unaware that I am doing it until I look back over the situation. It's apparently a built-in part of my personality or something. I don't know whether I like that or not. I don't think there's really anything wrong with scheming, as long as it's not evil scheming, which is the way in which most people think of it. I think all people scheme to some extent, I just maybe do it more or more effectively than many. Or maybe I just think I do. Maybe I should start paying attention to other peoples' scheming.

tall buildings and early mornings

2004-12-10T05:36:00.000-06:00

It's 5:36 in the morning, and I've already been up for an hour. I'm sitting around drinking coffee, playing snood, and drying my clothes. Why, you might ask, am I up at this ridiculous hour, since I don't need to be at work until 10? Because Noell woke me up this morning before heading off to work...it was the only way I could be sure that I would get up. And I needed to pack anyway. Which won't take long, but I needed some clean clothes. Off to Delaware where it will be "warm". Ha.

Every now and then I try to remember to let myself be in awe of this city. Yesterday I walked home from the train since it wasn't very cold (I didn't even need a hat!), and there was no real reason to take the bus. I just gazed at all the beautiful buildings along Michigan and Lake Shore Drive. It makes me smile. In fact, I was singing. I frequently sing in the middle of the city, when there's no one near me. It makes me happy to think that I'm just walking around in this beautiful, anonymous city...singing. People probably think I'm crazy, but it makes me love me.

And that's what's most important.

But really, this city is amazing. If it wasn't cold and dark and dreary, I would never want to leave. I love the way this city makes me feel. I love standing among the tall buildings, and feeling tiny. I love it when the buildings get lost in the clouds. I love discovering places like Megan's Spanish bakery where everything is amazing...and 30 cents. I leave being on the lower level of Michigan or Wacker when it's raining. I love hopping on a bus just to see where it goes, and then figuring out how to get to work from where I end up. I love the guy who sells Sun-Times outside my El stop at work. I love walking through the city listening to music. I will miss this city horribly, even though I'm eager to be back in Florida. If only this city didn't fuck with my head in the winter. I'm sure I could learn to live with it, though.

Well, my buzzer rang on the dryer. Suppose I shall get up and fold clothes, pack, and go to work early. Might leave early too and go to Marshall Fields...even though it will be HELL on a Friday in the Christmas shopping season. Just thought I could find something for Liz there. I haven't been buying her gifts all my life, so it's a bit more difficult to know what to get her.

Ahhh...oldies. I'm in love! With everything! GOOD FUCKING MORNING!

2004-11-23T01:38:00.000-06:00

Well, it's 12:38 and I'm a little drunk and I'm a little glad.

It's been a while since I've been social, or that I've had a reason to. Noell has her friends Kil (Keel?)(apparently Kiel) and Rachel over. They're pretty cool. I like them better than any of Noell's friends I've met so far.

I got my baby's manuscript today, and I've been editing it all afternoon/evening. It's really good. I'm quite impressed so far. You should all buy it. When it's published, of course. In the meantime, you can buy the current book--Snapshot, by Sean Morgan. You can get it at Amazon.

"Read the bible so I can snuggle with you." -Noell, to Kiel. Beautiful.

Ahhh, it's so nice not to live in a place I hate that makes me miserable. I'm one step away from being totally through with that place. Just gotta get my deposit check from Prabu, with whom William left it. I'm very a-feared that it will be much less than the $290 he owes me. We argued for fucking half an hour last night over how much he owes me becuase he can't do simple math that we had already agreed upon in the first place. I'm so glad that I will PROBABLY never have to speak to him again. Ever. Whew.

Okay, you should all check out http://www.apologiesaccepted.com. The answer to sorryeverybody.com.

Alright, I can't write anymore...'night.

New Perspective, New Blog

2004-11-21T20:29:00.000-06:00

Well, I've decided that after 4.5 years on Diaryland.com, I was sick of the lack of features. Besides, maybe I'll actually make my journal more bloggish now that it's on blogspot. Or not.

I feel like I'm viewing life from a new perspective these days. It certainly helps that I'm living on the 25th floor, looking out over downtown Chicago. But that's really just a small adjustment in comparison to the new perspective I've gained from sharing my life with someone I love. Someone other than my mother, that is.

I feel so cliche these days, but I don't mind it. I'm mushy to my boyfriend, and I have to restrain myself from talking about him 24/7. Thankfully I have amazing friends who are wonderfully tolerant. I keep apologizing to Sean for being mushy; not that he cares. It's just very unlike me. Really. I swear.

Well, in the interest of blogginess, I figured I'd mention a few sites that I've been a fan of lately (although they're stuff you've probably seen).

I saw someone wearing a You Forgot Poland! button in the train station, and she was probably wondering why I was staring at her. http://www.youforgotpoland.com. Kept us entertained at work on a daily basis.

And this is getting ridiculous traffic these days, although I haven't posted to it yet: http://www.sorryeverybody.com. I'm still crafting my entry. Something like "I called people from Illinois. I knocked on doors in Iowa and Wisconsin. I voted my first ever vote in my homestate of FL. What now?".

Also, feel free to check out the webiste I'm working on designing. http://sleepmute.com/~sydney/index/I'm not a webdesigner, so please forgive me my sins. Tips and comments are appreciated.

Alright, I'm going to go do something slightly more useful...maybe...